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February 24, 2021

Why I Stopped Chasing People

Today, I want to write about something that’s made a huge difference in my life in the last year or so. It’s not a thing, like a new phone. Or a kitchen gadget (although I do love my air fryer.) It’s not a television show or anything like that.

I have simply stopped chasing people.

Being an empath, I excel at catching various vibes from people. My boyfriend thinks that I’m weird when I try to explain this innate ability to him. I don’t disagree, though. I am rather weird!

I’ll use my aunt, who really isn’t my aunt, as an example.

After my mother passed away, my entire family was obviously devastated. My aunt was my mom’s caretaker during the duration of her slow decline from an undiagnosed until it was too late stomach illness (she wasn’t getting enough blood flow due to calcification of her stomach arteries.)

This caused her to waste away; down to 89 pounds. She was in constant pain, yet believed until the end that she was going to beat it.

I sympathize with how exhausting that must’ve been for my aunt because my mom was not having any of it. A stubborn woman her whole life, she did not accept her illnesses with grace. She not only suffered greatly physically but mentally as well.

She was my best friend, my advocate, and always had my back. But she began to shut me out. I understand why now and I forgive her. Hell, I might’ve done the same thing. It hurt me so that for a long time after she died, I seriously believed that my mom had hated me for some reason. (Thank God for therapy.)

In reality, she was so sick that she didn’t want me to see her that way. She was trying to protect me like she had done my whole life. She always saw me as being delicate and as much as I hate to admit it, I suppose that I am.

The only person that my mom wanted around her was my aunt, who isn’t a blood relation. You know how some families add “aunt” or “uncle” to an older friend and whatnot.

I’ll admit that I didn’t push hard enough to see my mother more often than I did. I still have a wealth of guilt because of this fact. But when I did push, she would get mean. I left many times crying after visiting her because she’d tell me to get the hell out and leave her the fuck alone.

My God, it was so awful. I felt absolutely helpless and I tried my best not to stress her out while I was going through my own personal hell at the time.

Once the funeral was over, I was lost. I had no idea what I was going to do without her. I figured that reaching out to my aunt at least once or twice a week would be of help to both of us.

Well, if she did answer, it was always short and not so sweet. Usually, I would get her voicemail.

She rarely called me back. The last straw was the day that I called her while I was bawling my eyes out, missing my mom so terribly. She told me that something was going on outside and that she’d call me right back. She didn’t.

It soon became clear, after 25 years, that she wasn’t interested in being a part of my life anymore. It wasn’t just me either. She also keeps my daughter at arm’s length, which I believe hurts her more than it hurts me.

So, I finally said fuck it. I am not chasing her anymore. It’s too painful to  heartache and rejection, over and over?

Then I started doing the same thing with the other people in my life that seemed distant, annoyed, bothered or just plain rude to me when I attempted to make a connection with them.

Not All People Are Meant To Stay In Your Life For The Duration.

This is what I tell myself when I start to feel abandoned by anyone that at one point meant so much to me.

Perhaps I remind my aunt of my mom and it hurts her too much. Maybe I’m just too extra for her, I mean, with all of my mental and physical health problems, I did put my mom through a lot of excess shit. Plus, I was on the edge of getting divorced and truly a mega hot mess.

Or perhaps she just never liked me much to begin with and now that my mom is no longer around, she’s decided to make a break for it.

I still see her occasionally for special get-togethers and I’m always as cordial as possible. But it’s just small talk. If something really horrible happened to me, I think that she’d be the last person I’d contact now.

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