I’m falling in absolute darkness in a jet black tunnel and I’m catapulting downwards at a speed that would bring a luxury car to blush.
I’m out of control,
my inner turmoil;
the captor of my emotions are anger, rage, sadness, control;
and then utter fear.
They take over me like waves crashing on hard boulders at a bleak shore that is tired and lost.
And just as I land;
for a split second I feel relieved thinking it’s easier to just stay in this emotion of anger.
But then I look around and realize I’m standing on limestone that is blazing fire and it’s getting hotter and hotter and I realize I can not stay.
So I plummet again,
I fall again into absolute darkness just to land again and realize I’m in the emotion of sadness and I’m once again standing in the middle of a blazing limestone.
and painted throughout my external world as the façade of my humanness;
is one of rigidness, stubbornness, aches and pains in my body and a mind that is so weighed down I think I need to get my eyes checked because all I see is a massacre of blurred vision.
I am plummeting.
And as I am, I ignore my desperate inner plea to change,
to do something differently because fear is quickly enveloping my entire being as I keep falling,
I am desperately attempting to keep it together in the wake of my outer world,
that looks like control.
But, I have no control over myself.
Absolutely no control over my inner world.
This makes me want to control everything that is unrealistic to control in my outer world;
my partner, my friends, family, the people I work with, even the dog.
But because that is an illusion and an automatic set up for failure,
I become angrier and angrier and inside I begin falling faster and faster then ever before.
Then finally at the dawn of my twilight zone something fucking clicks.
Someone takes my inner outstretched hand,
someone grabs hold of the “me” who is outright screaming inside;
and I open my eyes only to realize I was the one pushing myself, I was the one creating this vortex of falling, the feeling of plummeting;
I was the one doing this.
Then I see I’m standing at the edge of a cliff.
A cliff so fucking high it would be catastrophic to jump off.
But that is the only way,
I know this.
This is the only way to get to the other side.
And I’m about to start falling and tumbling and turning like a washing machine in pitch blackness again when there is this realization and a feeling of surrender;
A feeling of fucking surrender;
I’m done fighting with myself,
I’m done with the resistance just spinning me in chaotic circles,
I’m exhausted and I’m done.
This is the art of surrender.
I believe surrendering is somewhat like an art.
I believe it is one of the most profound and deeply transformational and healing states we can be in and experience.
I see it as art, like a painting on a wall that we are trying to de-code. It is something so gentle and it has this simplicity to it, yet it is something so unexplainable, something so profound, something so fucking terrifying and can seem absolutely unreachable to grasp;
like that of a piece of intimate and masterful art; one that you can not fully express what the meaning is in words and you wonder what it would be like if ever given the divine opportunity to meet the artist but then you look again and realize the art in front of you is a mirror and you are the artist.
I believe we can all arrive and then arrive again and arrive again and arrive again in different ways that serves our specific lessons and soul the best; knowing it is not a destination but a circular highway we come back to over and over again. The healing process.
And from what I’ve experienced and learnt; surrender is what comes after completely letting go and opening our hearts up.
Sometimes it is like falling to our knees with our arms open wide in a state of nothing more then complete and utter awareness because at this point; it is as though our beautiful ego has been switched off and we flail ourselves into what surrender is;
into something much bigger than our human selves,
into that pure, infinite essence of ourselves; our soul.
It is being so fucking frightened to look in the mirror, or to turn on the light in the deep, dark basement of our shadows but doing it anyways because we’ve reached a certain point where we just can not go on the way we have been anymore.
When we open up our hearts and figuratively fall to our knees (although I have literally fell to my knees in a ball of sobbing tears) and surrender to OURSELVES and say something like “FINE, YOU WIN, I‘m so fucking frightened and scared to look at this shadow or fear that has been completely eating me inside but I can‘t live like this anymore and so I surrender to this FEELING I’ve been desperately scrambling to avoid like my life depends on it.”
“I surrender to feel love for that person that shattered my heart because as much as I want to hate him, I still fucking love him,
I surrender to feel absolute rage for that person who rejected me, who downright abandoned me, who left me standing brutally naked and completely worn down;
I surrender, because suppressing it and trying to avoid it wasn’t fucking working.”
Whatever the situation. As soon as surrender is put in place there is this instant water dam that breaks.
It is in that moment, that sort of breaking apart moment that an ocean of waves seep under us and there we are, FEELING IT.
And instantaneously as we surrender and step off the cliff, fully embraced in our perceived horror, fully ready to meet our death,
it is only then we realize we’re now in a soft green wildflower meadow and the sun is shining deliciously down onto our skin and the fresh aroma of the wildflowers dance gently throughout our pores like a cleansing bath.
And we are becoming one with our soul now,
feeling her warm comfort hold us tight,
rocking us side to side and enveloping us in her divine love as the tears stream down our face.
And as the tears cascade, there is this feeling of lightness and wholeness inside our being as we bask in our soul’s essence and the sun’s radiating light.
That is the magic. That is the gold right there.
The courage, strength and somewhere deep down, the ultimate trust in ourselves to break apart and finally just FEEL what we have been so magnificently aching to avoid.
Because avoidance my loves, causes suffering.
This is the profound healing of surrender and my experience with it.
May we all one day be brave enough to face ourselves.