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May 7, 2021

Dear Grief: I Don’t Know What to do with All of You.

 

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“Grief is like the ocean. It comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can learn to do is swim.” ~ Vicki Harrison

~

The strangest thing about grief is that while it’s a reminder of all that was and could be, it is also the doorway to what can be.

Except that it is excruciatingly painful to get yourself to see that with a heavy heart, teary eyes, and heavy sighs.

It’s strange, isn’t it?

~

I walk into this empty room
where you stood before me
laughing & talking
about all things there were
& all that were to be.
Yet, today
Nothing feels the same.
A cold silence grows on me
As I search for you
A you
Who I can’t hear,
I can’t see.
We were once “we”
And now
just two distant fragments
lost
pulled apart by time
pulled apart by destiny.
All that is left
is this empty space that stares at me
This cold silence
that gnaws at me.
Reminding me of
What was & what could be.
But isn’t
&
Will never be.
And all I have is this grief,
So much of it inside of me
That I don’t know what to do with it.
It comes & goes
&
I flow with it
Because that’s all there is to it.
All that will ever be.

~

Human existence is as fascinating as it is bizarre. We spend so much of our time, trying to make sense of things that actually make no sense at all.

Some things in life are devoid of logic. Their existence embodies their essence.

Grief is one such thing.

A client once asked me, “Is it bad to hold on to grief? Do people do that?” It made me pause, and I heaved a sigh.

What do you do with grief?

Does it have a beginning and an end?

Is it a journey or a destination?

Is it burdensome or liberating?

What do you do with all this grief inside of you that gnaws at you every second—that comes knocking on your door every second of the day, every moment of your life when you’ve lost someone that meant the world to you?

How much time does it take to get over the loss of someone who occupied all this space in your life? What do you do with all these empty spaces that they leave behind?

Especially the silence.

That feels like the loudest scream you’ll ever hear in your life.

What do you do with it?

~

“Grief is a peculiar thing; we’re so helpless in the face of it. It’s like a window that will open of its own accord. The room grows cold and we can do nothing but shiver. But it opens a little less each time; and a little less, and one day we wonder, what has become of it.” ~ Arthur Golden

~

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