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When we’re focused on what our partner needs, feels, and does, and we subtly or overtly accommodate ourselves to mold into a form that fits their needs, we’re in people-pleasing mode.
This pattern runs so deep that it often happens without our awareness—even for the most woke among us.
When (and if) we discover that we are doing this, a common reaction is to feel an urgent need to stop this from happening immediately.
So we armor up with boundaries that are hard, sharp, and cut the connection.
When we discover our overgiving, we become adamant to never succumb to the pattern again. We become vigilant, with an ever-watchful eye to anything and everything that doesn’t fit into our idea of how things should be.
We rely on the intellect in place of the truth.
This might temporarily be and feel empowering, but overall, it is not. It’s a new dysfunctional pattern that will eat up precious time of our lives.
It isn’t effective, nourishing, or sustainable because it does not contribute to the heart-connected intimacy that all humans seek and need.
It’s just another avoidant strategy.
It doesn’t feel good to either partner.
It’s a new form for an old power struggle.
This newfound power can be enticing, especially if you’ve been the one disempowered for an extended period of time. It feels like finally being in control again. It can feel like a high, like a boost, and can trick you into thinking you’re on the right track.
And, it feels like punishment on the receiving end.
It likely is a form of punishment.
Conscious or not, a part of us gets off on cutting the connection to prove to our partners just how wrong and bad they are for all the times they have taken us for granted, didn’t meet our needs, and weren’t attuned to us the way we want—ouch!
This is a reaction, not responsible behavior.
Let’s heal this dynamic.
Let’s take the anger and own that we are actually angry at ourselves. Angry for allowing it all, for not knowing any better, and suffering as a result. For doing our best and still making mistakes that hurt our own hearts and those we love.
Let’s take the resentment and own when we haven’t asked for what we want because our hurt, little one inside is still waiting for a parent to enact a different story than we had.
Let’s call home our disowned parts and fully embody our souls, so we can attune deeply with ourselves, and own our actual felt desires, our value, and live with hearts wide open.
Let’s take the grief, the one that rumbles like distant thunder, the one we avoid at huge costs and call it home—let’s bring it on.
Let’s be willing to open into the heartbreak, and through the letting go of what was lost and the allowing of the aching yearning for union, we find our truth and ourselves.
Only then will we feel safe—and ready for intimacy.