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June 3, 2021

Baby, will you hear my Last Plea? {Poem}

 

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They say being in a relationship helps you better understand yourself as a person.

I never really believed it until my recent ex came along.

In my previous relationships, I have always viewed myself as an emotionally secure person—a person who knows her worth and does not take less than what she thinks she deserves. A person who is levelheaded and does not let emotions send her sanity to the brink. A person who can love someone strongly but also leave whenever necessary.

Yet, I found myself being the complete opposite with my ex.

While I believed he has that he has an avoidant attachment style because of his rough childhood experiences, I also found out that I have deeply-seated abandonment issues too. I was never the secure woman I know.

I realized my previous relationships shielded me from my anxious tendencies because they were secure individuals. And I thought I was like them.

But no.

I have so much healing to do and my relationship with my ex taught me that the hard way.

I acted, behaved, and thought about him from a place of fear. I created tensions in our relationship and initiated trivial fights, which almost always sent my ex into flight mode, given his attachment style. I didn’t know how to love an avoidant man and my ex didn’t know how to soothe me either.

When he gave up on us, I was a wreck.

I was told to never chase a man who leaves, but I did.

I was told to never beg for love, but I did.

I could have lost myself completely if not for my support system, who patiently listened and soothed me in my grieving process.

The poem below would have been my last attempt to bring him back to my life. But I was able to hang onto the last fiber of self-worth I had in my body and, I didn’t send it.

“You’ve chased enough. You’ve begged enough,” I told myself.

Maybe some of you can resonate, so here it goes:

Last Plea

You got betrayed with what I said
You felt I used your past as a dagger
To cut you open and to bleed

In my head, here’s what I did
It was my way to cast away my fears
I got blinded by my own need

To soothe myself, I did succeed
Thought we can get closer
But I pushed you away instead

I knew you more, in what you said
Your dark past never made me love you less
But you felt judged and was enraged

Wished I could take back what I said
And did not put us in this mess
In ruining us, I took the lead

In my solitude, I now clearly see
How smoothly we are sailing
But blown by storms created by me

You focus on making me happy
Doubts and fears, you’ve disregarded
While I choose to magnify them intently

I always try to make you see
How my distrust is troubling me
But I end up doing it unkindly

I have taken your pain lightly
Expected you to always understand me
And respond to me reassuringly

I thought my intention will save me
That all I’m asking is your reassurance
But in the process, I hurt you badly

I’m so sorry for what transpired
And for how badly I made you feel
With all the bullets I fired

Will you still trust me when I say
That I’ll treat you better than I did
And choose to think of you lovingly?

Will you still trust me when I say
That I’ll take charge of my own happiness
Instead of coming to you needily

Will you still trust me when I say
That I’ll be more like how you are to me
And focus on making you happy

Baby, will you hear my last plea?

~

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