August 1, 2021

6 Musts of a Professional Procrastinator.


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Full transparency—and in true fashion, I completely procrastinated writing this piece.

I skillfully placed myself in prime-time procrastination work zones and was relieved when my put-it-off plan went swimmingly well. I looked online to see what the internet felt about procrastination and found myself disenchanted. It seems as if procrastinators are mildly irrevocable and doomed to repeat their monotonous pattern.

Call me an optimist, but I feel there is magic within procrastination and believe in the wonders beyond getting in our own way:

1. Be willing to do anything at all costs except for what you really have to do at that moment.

For me, this is deep cleaning my toilet, mowing the yard, organizing the Tupperware, riding my beach cruiser up a hill—you name it. Anything I despise doing most of the time is an excellent marker of how dedicated I am to procrastinating on my present task.

2. Excel at hitting the snooze button.

This could be because we are stellar dreamers. Most of the time, I’m hitting snooze because I want to see where a dream goes. This is especially true if it’s a naughty one. (Why do naughty dreams only happen within the confines of snooze countdowns?!) Dedication to erratic sleep patterns has been helpful for my procrastination and played a huge part in my ability to be tired at different points throughout the day. I’d like to take the time to shout out to Instagram and Netflix for the day-stealing nature of their infinite scroll—without which I may not be as professional of a procrastinator.

3. Be deliciously neurotic.

I’m highly particular and sensory sensitive, to the point of neurodivergence. The environment from which I do anything that is required of me has to be just how I like it. The smells, sounds, feelings, and my state, need to be in congruence with what feels the absolute best to me at all times. Considering that life is in a constant state of ebb and flow, this requirement of productivity dictates much of my outstanding procrastination.

4. Having people around who will aid in my procrastination is always an unforeseen bonus for us procrastinators.

Even if it’s someone I have no desire to speak with, I’ll take the time to avoid finishing my task at hand (reference point #1). This could also mean having awesome/interesting roommates, coworkers, friends, or pure strangers around to chat and dive deep into conversation with.

5. Fear of success is crucial to being an exceptional procrastinator.

Living in the society that we do, I find myself terrified of the level of success I could have if I actually worked at it. This fear of success is best friends with the fear of failure because, as all successful people know, failure is guaranteed along the path.

6. Professional procrastinators are often wildly creative to a fault.

Their ideas are floating around in their minds at such a pace that their whole bodies have a hard time keeping up. I find this to be incredibly true as I often find myself staring into space thinking of all the “world-saving, next big things.”

I challenge all procrastinators out there to begin and carry to full term, at least one project or creative endeavor. Perhaps when we witness what we are truly capable of, we simultaneously experience the synchronicity and complexities of “all things in their right timing.”

Good luck out there, motherf*ckers.  


Chloe, Ph.D. Procrastinator.


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