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September 29, 2021

The Masks we Hide Behind.

 

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The mask I wear is quite pretty, beautiful even, or so I’ve been told.

It sparkles and shines, and people are drawn to it like fireflies to a flame.

It is vibrant and colorful. It has an energy about it that makes people look twice. The mask I wear is happy, funny, and open like it doesn’t have a care in the world. It looks confident and strong.

But sometimes, the mask I wear is tight and restricting. So much so, I feel like I can’t breathe.

The mask I wear isn’t made of cloth.

It’s a mask I wear so that the world can’t see what’s underneath. The mask I wear only lets others see the person I want them to see. But underneath my mask is someone else entirely.

This mask hides all of the fears and sadness inside of me. It hides that I lost my father this year, only a day before my birthday and that I still don’t know what life looks like without him in it. It hides the sadness I feel from a recent breakup with the person I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. It hides the scared child that was always afraid of being abandoned and let down by the people I love. The child that never felt heard or seen and that often felt like they were in the way.

As a child and even as an adult, this mask allows me to make people laugh and make light of most situations. That way, I don’t have to see their sadness and pain because emotions in other people make me feel anxious, scared, and helpless.

If I can’t fix myself, how can I fix them?

This mask hides a person who never felt good enough inside, who has always been unsure of herself, and who has never known where she fits in this world.

This mask hides a woman who is not afraid to be alone but knows she doesn’t want to be alone—a woman who doesn’t want to be without someone to share this beautiful life with. But at the same time, she is afraid to put herself out there and be vulnerable enough to open her heart to someone new.

I could take off this mask and let the world see who I truly am, but instead, I choose to keep my mask on, smile, and continue to show the world the person I want them to see.

The beautiful, sparkly and vibrant person that lies only on the surface.

~

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