Waiting for Daddy in the car. Taking a moment to reflect on the precious moments prior to this adventure.
45 minutes ago, I was cleaning the car from the week of living. I still haven’t perfected the balance of cleaning up in the process of living life – it’s usually a big to-do at the end of a week, a project, or a survival moment.
I was running through the never stopping mental to-do list. Okay, Duluth. Extra clothes. Costume items. Did M bring home her math book? Shoot, Roxxie needs food. Do I need to switch the laundry..Oofta. It’s never all going to get done. I’m not enough. I’m screwing up their childhood. They’re damaged. ? hello, slippery slope.
Okay, I feel myself spinning – what’s the focus for right now. And today. Recenter. Realign.
Okay. Off the hamster wheel for a moment. Went inside. Looked around in appreciation. For the warm home. The healthy, beautiful babies. For the gorgeous man in my bed. For the excitement of the weekend. Halloween.
Okay. Onto the list – shoes, socks, unders, jackets, mittens, put the breakfast away. Walk the puppy.
Running upstairs – holy sheeeeeet my amazing daughter’s face has a large amount of black on it. She proudly face painted in the time she was supposed to be doing the normal hygiene stuff. W.T.F. Oh lord. Fekkkkk. This wasn’t in the timeline.
This was the pebble that tipped the scales to overwhelm and dread. My own conditioning surfaced and hi-jacked the mental bus. Ohhhh goodness, we’re headed out into public. People are going to stare. I’m going to have to explain and defend. I don’t have the energy for THAT. To protect my baby’s heart, while modeling fierce kindness.
I saw her face – she felt my energy – attuned to me. She knew what I was going to say before I said it. Then I saw the waves of shame wash over her. The idea that ‘I am bad’ and ‘unworthy’ entered her sphere because of my reaction and fear.
10 is such a precarious age. It’s a time when, according to Erik Erickson, stage 4 of human development is happening- industry vs inferiority- “Children who are praised and encouraged develop a sense of competence. Those who are discouraged are left with a sense of inferiority.” The 8 Stages of Human Development.
It’s an identity building phase. How can I survive in the world around me that doesn’t fit into my world? Getting older, more responsibilities, I notice more and process differently. How do I connect with other humans who have their own opinions, thoughts, experiences, and ideas, but I really want them to love mine? How do I remain connected to myself in this process?
The answers to these question, in my mind, is the following: I want her to be so solid and confident in belonging to herself, that when the waves of peer pressure, fitting in, and boundary-setting flow into her experience – that she always chooses to belong to herself first… then fit into the world around her. To pass the choices through a filter of – am I doing this for me or am I convincing myself that it’s for me but it is really for you? That when she belongs to herself she doesn’t have to break pieces of her heart and send them away in order to fit in with places and people who don’t support her highest good.
Because if she can learn to not jump ship when shit gets messy and complicated (the external world isn’t aligning with my internal world) and that she knows that she can trust her own voice inside to lead her to the choices that feel the best for HER, then it will save her years of thinking she isn’t enough, unworthy, or that other people’s feelings are her responsibility.
That she will have the clarity and power to identify what isn’t hers and she won’t exhaust herself pouring into others. Others whose own brokenness inhibits their growth and awareness.
I’m in this repair cycle a lot lately – with myself and my people. Mindful of what I’m truly thinking and choosing.
I looked at my beautiful, creative, spirited 10-year-old’s face and shifted my energy from fear to love… because I processed past the conditioning into mindfulness and rewriting the story of intention. I intended to protect her when I reacted with fear – but I was the one who hurt her ?.
I rewrote my story because of the love and appreciation I have for this INDIVIDUAL. This soul who loves to play and have fun. Who is noticed for her kindness and goodness. Thoughtfulness. For her imagination. For the beautiful bond she cultivates with her little sis. For the girl who is following the beat of her own drum – the one who is creating her Halloween costume from her beautiful mind and bringing it to life. And sharing it with the world. My own Van Gogh, Frida, Picasso, Georgia O’Keefe. My own Mya. Talk about beyond amazing and blessed!!!
I openly and vulnerably shared my thoughts and words with her. That my reaction to her creativity had nothing to do with her (even though it really felt like it did) and everything to do with my own programming, conditioning, and fear.
She relaxed. We both felt the energy that wasn’t hers to begin with, being released. I witnessed her call back that piece of herself that she started to break off in order to fit in with me. That piece that values face paint and the fun and creativity that it fosters. The sense of independence and self.
For families raising girls – Reviving Ophelia and The Body Keeps the Score have been the most powerful works to heal and to allow wellness for myself and for my family.
It is my goal to raise my babies as whole children. Children who are perfect and wonderful as they are in all their humanness so they do not grow up and transition into adulthood thinking that they’re broken … or that they need to be fixed… or that perfection is attainable or that others’ needs are more important than your own or that life is meant to be lived in fear and survival.
Combine that with therapy and I’m creating a life that looks great on the outside but also feels amazing on the inside. Alignment with my values, commitment to growth, and cultivating authenticity and adventure in all areas of life. ?
So baby girl, thank you for holding space for me and allowing me back in when I tried to unconsciously break you down. I want to build you up. I am your biggest supporter… always. Even if I don’t get it right the first time ❤️