November 23, 2021

The Voice of Procrastination: To Sleep or Write? That is the Question.

 

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Here’s a peek of the conversation I have with the little voice in my head when my phone notifies me it’s time to write.

I have a reminder, which is in bright pink, and it pops up every day and shouts, “Sit down and write!”

So, it’s time to sit down and write.

Write about what?

It doesn’t matter, all I need to do is write, put pen to paper or hold my fingers over the keyboard; the words will flow.

The voice begins:

You say you want to write. Do it! What are you waiting for? The world needs to hear what you have to say.

Why—why is what I have to say so special? What do I have to say that hasn’t already been said?

Maybe it’s not about what you are saying, but how you are saying it.

Maybe it’s about who hears your words that matter.

How will you know until you do it? Put the words down, sort out your thoughts, and write them down. I know there is someone out there who would appreciate what you have to say.

That voice in my head has slowly become louder and louder as I avoid this unfinished article on my laptop. I have hit a wall already on completing a second article.

Are you kidding me? I feel the weight of my recent decisions: linger in bed each morning instead of opening the laptop. I haven’t got out of bed each morning to write like I said I would.

Instead, I stay under my warm, comfy blankets reading emails, playing iPad games, or browsing social media. Usually, after an hour or so, I decide to sleep more, so I go back to bed.

Why does this pattern seem to be on repeat? What’s wrong with me?

I also have a hundred and one excuses why I can’t write. I could list them here, but we know that would be a waste of my time and yours. So why do I do this? Why does writing about excuses and procrastination bring tears to my eyes? Why am I crying?

I’m scared.

Really? Is this true?

Weren’t you scared when you quit a steady 9-5 job to concentrate on studying Ayurveda?

Weren’t you fearful when you submitted that application to enroll in school 25 years after graduating high school?

How about the time you gave your first Ayurvedic presentation and cried in front of the class?

You were sure you had failed and would be asked to leave the program.

Wasn’t there fear when you signed the lease to start your own practice?

As I pause to make a mental note of my accomplishments over my 40-plus years on this earth, I have done many things that have brought me fear, but I did them anyway. So why can’t I add writer to my list of accomplishments? What is holding me back?

I mentally refer to the long list of excuses. Or should I say a long list of lies I constantly tell myself? Lies may sound harsh but isn’t that what fear is, false evidence appearing real? I can come up with a million—a million excuses, a million fears.

But wait! Didn’t I also make a list of accomplishments that scared the crap out of me, but I did them anyway?

I did. I found the list.

Thank you, my amazing breath-work coach.

In the summer of 2021, I was part of an amazing Mastermind group. One of my homework assignments was to celebrate myself. I made a list of daily accomplishments, lifelong accomplishments, my strengths, and my gifts. In addition, I made a list of what makes me unique. Guess where I find these lists? In my journal, I have been writing since April 2020.

And here comes that little voice once again:

Hold up; you have been writing in a journal since last year? 

Now that I think about it, I have journals all over my house. I have childhood journals, mom journals, lost and depressed journals.

So, you are a writer! Huh, who knew?

Writing in a journal is not the same as being a “writer.”

Why not?

*silence*

Suddenly I have no more excuses, no more fears. Well, I still have fears, but I’m going to do it anyway. I’m going to write my heart out. I’m going to write every day.

I’m going to—how about we finish this article and hit submit?

~

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