“It’s a Spanish word. Unreachable Goddess, my sublime inspiration”.
Frustrated, perplexed, but a little amused, fascinated, and exhausted of this strange, mysterious pattern that seems to repeat every 3-6 months
I told him no. I’m not unreachable. I’m right here, I’m a real human, with a real human heart and wounds and fears and dreams. I’m so tired of just being a “muse”
but was I, really?
We had made plans to see each other before he left back to Colombia, where we had originally met. But as that day approached, and I reached out to confirm….he didn’t show up. He had left to go somewhere else without telling me, and I was left wondering how the hell this is really happening again? It’s kind of hilarious. Just 2 months ago, nearly the same scenario happened with a different man I’d been connecting with.
“I’m not just a fantasy” I told him. “I understand you may be seeing me that way, but I’m not unreachable”.
It’s fascinating, how many times different romantic interests have said nearly the same things to me.
After another day, processing what happened & holding my heart, I was humbled enough to look a bit deeper into my patterns in love and relationships.
Why is it that I continue to find myself in these encounters?
Continually attracting these Scorpio-hearted, hot and cold, misty blue-eyed, artist-musician, wild souled almost lovers that I want to love so badly. Who wrote me sappy romantic poems, said they dreamt about me, called me a Goddess and a queen, “you’re so easy to love”, they said right before withdrawing from our connection and beginning to ignore me. Here loving me one day, gone with no explanation the next.
After my one committed, year ½ long relationship almost 5 years ago, who i could never truly open my heart or body to, I seemed to experience heart break after heart break with these types.
And I liked to think of myself as so open to love,
but the truth is, I wasn’t.
I realized a while back that these beautiful archetypal creatures appear in my life to teach me many things….I realized more recently that they were perfect mirrors of how I was always chasing my very own wild-eyed, romantic, whimsical, scorpio-hearted Animus (Jungian speak for my inner man, fellow Jung nerds stand up!).
Open, close. Open, close.
Unreachable Goddess…. Isn’t that what Love with a partner felt like to me a lot of the time? Like an enigma I could never quite sync up with. A beautiful, untouchable mystery, that I’m better off just fantasizing about.
Isn’t that what I’ve done to these men- created a fantasy around them, rather than see them as they are? In all their imperfection, beauty, mess, dreams, wounds, desires….living in a fantasy was safer, even though it’s completely dehumanizing and never will be satiating.
And today it hit me….isn’t that Unreachable Goddess the very archetype I’ve subconsciously been embodying?
At some point, in an effort to evade the pain of rejection I’d become so accustomed to feeling in my youth, I became the Unreachable Goddess. I became the enigma.
I don’t need you, I’m cultivating my own sexuality and Love essence alone. I’m communing with God. I’m brewing magic over here and no imperfect, avoidant or anxious, brutish man will screw it up. I’m healing and I’m a healer, thank you very much. Come closer….but Approach with caution, please. ‘
Too good for any man, high up in my princess tower, deep down that’s how I wanted them to feel. Intimidated by my intelligence, my consciousness, my gifts. They couldn’t hurt me that way. And had I not done the very same thing that kept happening to me, to men who actually wanted to stay and love me? Becoming an ice queen at the slightest hint of true emotional availability.
I didn’t need them, I wanted to believe. No one was good enough. Oh, except the ones who didn’t even care to be, those were the ones I wanted and chased after. I know I’m not the only one, ladies.
Disorganized attachment might be another way to explain it.
One of the beliefs may be, as long as I am perfect, nobody will hurt me.
Confronting my inner princess, the little girl who is so, so angry, so entitled, who gets enraged when she doesn’t get what she wants. She’s showing me all the ways I’ve conveniently skirted around Love, the one thing we long for the most deeply.
What an interesting dance, to simultaneously yearn for and be repulsed & terrified by Love.
I am one who desires to live, above all else, with a heart that only continues to open and expand in Love. I don’t want to be the Unreachable Goddess anymore.
You may have seen memes circulating around, that say something like “if you’re attracting people who are emotionally unavailable, YOU are actually emotionally unavailable”. And I see that this is true. And I see how I have created a persona that subconsciously wanted to protect me from experiencing any more pain.
I can only love her, because it makes perfect sense that she exists within me.
I can only choose now to continue moving forward with more & more raw truth, moving through the discomforts that come up within true intimacy & Love.
Allowing the fantasies and the protection personas to fall away.
Because I know the depths and expanses of co-creative love my soul came here to give, and receive.