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Because I have accepted your existence, you don’t show up as often anymore, but I learned to allow your presence when you do.
You are part of me, and I fully understand why.
There was a time when I was dreaming of a life without you, but acceptance is the solution for everything, and I am wide aware that you will forever have to live with me just like I will forever have to live with you.
You mostly show up when something doesn’t go my way, when I fear rejection, when my expectations, hopes, and dreams are threatened.
You warn me. You warn me of losing myself or overanalyzing things I have no control over.
You make me feel insecure when the truth is, I know that I am safe. I know that I have my own back, and you cannot threaten me.
You’re present, but you’re not in control anymore. I no longer want to drink, party, or f*ck you away, and I no longer think you are wrong.
I wouldn’t say I like uncertainty, which is why you are by my side while I wait for answers. Patience has never been a strength of mine and you have found your way to fill the void of my weaknesses. My weakness is also my biggest strength.
As fearful as I am of loneliness, it is inevitable how f*cking strong I am on my own, and you don’t like to see that.
You are trying to prove me wrong. You are trying to break my strength.
For you, being part of my journey doesn’t make sense, but I guess not everything can be explained or resolved. I can’t say I am glad when you kick in, but I am thankful that you make me think and remind me from time to time that my rationality and self-control need a break every once in a while.
As much as I want to control the future by thinking about it, you make sure I have to trust the process and let the universe surprise me. You emphasize and underline the worst possible outcome of a situation, but at the same time, I am not scared anymore.
My body doesn’t go into panic mode anymore. My body and mind are now in alignment. You cannot hurt my body anymore.
You cannot keep me up at night anymore (though I have to admit you sometimes have power over my dreams).
I stopped asking the universe why you can’t just leave me alone for good. I have accepted that some things in life will never be answered, at least not in this lifetime.
To calm you down, I started believing that I would get all the answers I think I needed when my time on Earth was up. Other people believe they go to paradise. I think I will finally get some answers. Through that, I managed to control you a bit.
When you show up, I remind myself that playing with you is unnecessary, and I hold on tight, believing that all of the riddles of my life will be solved one day.
You and I were in a toxic relationship for so long, and I worked hard against my life’s toxicity. I worked so hard on myself that you decided you don’t want to spend that much time with me anymore, and for that, I am thankful.
While I am writing this letter, you are right here with me, trying to bring me down again. You are making it seem as if it were another person when it is actually you. You are trying to bring me down, and only I am responsible for what I do with you.
I decided to write to you. I don’t even remember the last time you were so close to me, but I do know you can’t stay long this time.
I have figured you out. I know all about your games. I am tired of you blaming other people for how you make me feel. I know all about you now, which has made my life a lot easier. I understand you, I have analyzed you, I still dislike you, but I guess you have the right to be here with me.
Whenever you feel the need to visit, know that I will always question the sh*t you’re trying to tell me from now on.
My conscious self.