January 11, 2022

5 Ways we Abandon Ourselves in Romantic Relationships.

There are plenty of reasons one can abandon themselves in the name of a romantic relationship.

Oftentimes, this is rooted in old, childhood forms of love and relational dynamics that they have learned.

One day, once upon a time, they learned that love has to be earned. Fought for. They also learned that one has to be at their best to receive love from others, and, that love may leave or reject them if they don’t do the “right” things.

So, and insidiously, these individuals have learned to perform in order to receive love and to keep it.

They may have felt rejected in early years or denied love if their behavior wasn’t exemplary. They would come back home with their shoes dirty from the happy rain, and perhaps they were told off in return. Or maybe, they didn’t always get great marks in school and as a result wouldn’t receive that much care and tenderness anymore from their parents in the following weeks. Or even worse, they were accused of causing the emotional states of their caregivers and started to feel guilty for their pain—thinking and feeling that they were the cause of their suffering.

They learned that they have to always do what’s expected of them or what is “best” to be loved—and that otherwise love is denied.

They learned that love is conditional. And that turned into the brain circuit they kept using in their adult life when it comes to love.

And when reaching adulthood and experiencing love and romance, they start to abandon themselves when in a romantic relationship. They are on automatic pilot and act from a place of trauma, thinking that love may not stay if they show up exactly as they are, if they stop performing.

So they may abandon themselves to keep love flowing. Here a few examples of this:

1. Dramatically altering our daily rhythm to fit into our partner’s

We all have unique rhythms as unique divine beings. Some like to wake up early, while others, for instance, need more sleep in the morning or would rather do some evening work and go to bed late. That may be the case of intuitives, women connected to the Moon energy, or a few artists.

Finding compromise is good, while letting go of our own needs for sleep, rest, relaxation, and daily schedules isn’t. Linked to this, always accepting weekends or holidays that will not respect one’s own body needs isn’t required in love. It’s okay to say no. In such cases, one’s partner has to understand that a no isn’t against them or the couple—but an action their loved one is deciding on for themselves, in the name of their own needs and not against the other.

2. Neglecting self-care in order to have enough time for the relationship

Sports, art, sleep, divination activities or spiritual ones, salt baths, and time alone in nature are a few examples of what one may like to do in order to ground or re-center themselves. Oftentimes, individuals discover such endeavors and rituals when they are single, or when they have the space or opportunity to discover what self-care is for themselves. Then, they find out what works for them.

Being in a romantic relationship may of course allow anyone to continue with these. One must learn the art of boundaries and of always putting the self first. By doing so, they actually give all chances to the relationship. It is because one takes care of themselves that they are able to show up externally and to love in the highest way.

3. Letting go of one’s dreams

Sometimes, individuals aren’t fully seen or accepted in a relationship. Their partner may not understand why they choose this or that path. They may project their own fears onto their beloved’s choices—and therefore not get it, simply because they wouldn’t do it themselves.

It is okay to not understand. However, it shouldn’t be okay to try and take somebody away from their goals, even if they seem crazy. It shouldn’t be okay to judge or put down the dreams of somebody we love. If that happens, one shouldn’t ever let go of their own magical vision for their life. Never let go of what gives sparkles to their soul. Never let go of the inner fire of their soul.

Remember, the “right one” will get you enough so that you will never feel guilty or “too much” in doing the things that make you shine and glow.

4. Accepting to be diminished or put down, in private or in front of others

This is obvious, but still happens often. Somebody that belittles us in front of others or at home shouldn’t be in our close circle. Love is about loving others as they are, not about finding faults. Love is about welcoming somebody in one’s life, without wanting them at the same time to be different or somebody else.

Love is not about power—or using the traits of someone in order to look better, superior, or boast. Diminishing somebody is actually trying to express indirectly one’s own feeling of superiority.

Conversely, love is about mutual appreciation and encouragement even if it’s possible to not always understand what the other wants or does. And first and foremost, love should be about respect. Respect is always being a team in the greater world—or at least not being the one who puts their partner down in front of guests, family, or friends. Even if this is supposed to be “a joke.”

5. Disconnecting from friends and family if the partner dislikes them

It is okay to have different circles of friends. It is okay to not be always together, and both partners should respect all the connections that their beloved has formed in the time before they met. They should understand that other connections may represent another facet of their partner, and be important to their joy, healing, or growth.

It is beautiful to see couples with friendships and family bonds that expand after the couple is formed. It shows that both individuals feel free within the sacred container of the romantic relationship. It shows that both accept differences and ultimately want to support their partner in being fulfilled in their life and experiencing joy. In fact, asking of one’s partner to not see their family, for instance, is not pure love. Even if family issues may have to be worked on on their end, the desire for change must come from within—it shouldn’t be forced or blackmailed from the external, especially from their beloved.

These examples may seem extreme. Maybe they are. However, unhealthy ways in love can grow insidiously—from one small thing to the next one, and then to a much bigger one. That is why one must always remain observing and pay attention to what is actually going on within their relationship. By taking a step back to see. By taking their rose-tinted glasses away. Always having an eye open on the “truth,” even if they are madly in love or think they have ultimately found “their soul mate.”

In fact, seeing doesn’t have to mean breaking up. It means remaining aware, conscious, and realistic about the relational ways that are at play—and working on them if that’s possible.

To cut a long story short, yes relationships do require compromises. They require to find middle-ground ways. They often require work from both, as well as patience, temperance, and personal evolution.

However, they shouldn’t ask of somebody that they change into something that they aren’t because they wouldn’t be loved as they were before. They should support progress and personal growth—not restrict or place a limitation on one’s soul expression and path.

They shouldn’t ask of anybody to shapeshift. They shouldn’t ask of anybody to lose their own unique flavor and specifics in order to gain something externally.

No, relationships shouldn’t cause a disconnection with one’s unique ways of self-love and magic.


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