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April 14, 2022

I believe in Love

I seem to be waking up early recently and as there isn’t much I can do in those morning hours I gain by this, I end up opening a blank document and I try to write something.
In this regard I consider smartphones a huge blessing as even though there’s common opinion that they took away too many things from us and only made us addicted to information, I believe that if you use them smart, they are a brilliant tool to achieve many personal goals.

I must admit, my writing is quite far from mindful journalling and it often is a reaction to some outer impulse, there still is belief in me, that through this writing I am improving my life and wellbeing.

I am going through a very interesting phase in my life and as with any events that have potential to make or break us, I am trying to work out what is the best way to handle this.

I fell in love with someone and even though I haven’t admitted this to her and my knowledge of when this is appropriate to say is fairly limited, I believe it is something we all have to figure on our own. Of course there are many places where one can get some kind of an answer to various relationship questions, they’re usually given without any guarantee and are just a guidance same as the dishes displayed on food packaging are for illustration purposes only.

This then means that finding someone special is not only a journey to discover who our counterpart is, but it also begs an exploration of our selves, who we are or were before they appeared, and who we are, or could be with their presence in our lives.

I consider love to be the strongest force in universe and I would add, in this sense, cliché sounding sentence “God is Love” isn’t far from the truth. And same as with God, Love appears to be conflicting itself by making us both comfortable and uncomfortable. Love is tender and at the same time scary.
When you realise that you are facing a force that has potential to destroy you, feeling respect is quite natural response. Yet the knowing that Life destroys us all in the end, so something new can come, is comforting. You basically have nothing to lose. You can go all in and even facing demons of your past tends to look easy compared to facing the possible annihilation by Love.

Of course I am not referring to love as presented by media aimed at entertainment. I am talking about Love that is behind the utter destruction of caterpillar so the butterfly may rise. It is unlikely that meeting this Love will leave your soul untouched as it has a habit of challenging every aspect of who you are and what you could be and it is quite hard to not admit She knows better.

I’ve not spoken to a caterpillar yet to know how they feel as they spin their cocoons, but I feel that, slowly, but surely I am arriving to the stage of actually starting my own cocoon for my soul and I feel scared and excited at the same time. I am already a different person I was before I met her and this is only the beginning.
It is not wise though to look to far into the future as no one really can see what is behind the veil of time, Love can easily change our perception of it anyway and some believe time is actually a construct of mind and doesn’t really exist.
In this sense all is happening at once. You are your full potential whether it manifested yet or not, it is already in you and even if you were to fail to achieve the stage where you fully realised your potential in this lifetime, it isn’t an end of the journey.
A few seconds with someone can completely change you and if you, like me, believe in God, you wouldn’t think that you would be destined to see what you could be only to have your life cut short half way or less through and with best efforts, none of us actually can achieve the stage of perfect realisation of who we are.
You can improve many aspects of your life, get a driving licence, condenser tumble dryer, new job, house or car, title in sport or prize in science anything, but in the end, you run out of time.

I am at the stage where all these things come to me, often at the same time and it indeed feels like my soul is being stirred by God and there’s chaos in my head, yet it all feels good. It isn’t exactly comfortable, but it isn’t bad. And ultimately, there isn’t much I can do to resist it.
This scary force that is Love wants us to collaborate with it. We are invited on an adventure from which we return almost unrecognisable to those who only knew the shallow version of us and our frequency of being is forever altered.

I am not sure this is why I can’t sleep very well and I am afraid a little, but I wanted to express my gratitude by writing this as I wanted to tell this Love – “Hey it’s OK, I believe in You.”

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Peter Toth  |  Contribution: 5,605