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May 24, 2022

A conversation with my brother

Three years ago, I never would’ve imagined what life would feel like without you. I never thought I’d ever have to.

In a lot of ways, it feels like time has stood still. Parts of me still waiting for you. I look at your pictures and think you’ll come alive at any moment just to laugh and smile with (at) me.

I’d give anything to hear your voice, to see that sparkle in your eye. I miss that sparkle—that glimmer of hope and happiness that was always there no matter what.

It’s hard to believe that it’s been 3 years. Sometimes it feels like it was just yesterday you were here with us. Other times, it feels like a lifetime has passed.

I’ve carried so many feelings with me since you left. Grief, loss, regret.

Regret is the heaviest by far.

I wish I could’ve said the right things; I wish I hadn’t taken a single moment for granted. I wish I’d shown up that day.

The reasonable part of me knows that doesn’t change a thing. The big sister in me thinks maybe it would have.

I spent the earliest years of my life looking out for you.

I grew up your protector. Looking out for you, keeping you from sticking your head in places it didn’t belong, being the buffer between you and the sometimes jagged pieces of life.

I’m sad that one day I stopped. That I wasn’t there to catch you while you fell. That I couldn’t save you from the hurt and pain.

Perhaps I couldn’t have stopped what happened, but sometimes I think just maybe I could’ve helped lessen the blow.

I’m so sorry I wasn’t there when you needed me most. The weight of that will never, ever leave me.

It’s left my heart cracked and crumbling. It’s left me feeling empty, and alone.

I wish I could say I’ll spend today honoring your memory in some grandiose way. But the truth is, I’ll just be watching the clock….trying to imagine where you were and what you were doing so I can love you through time and space on this very gray day.

I love you, baby brother. And I’m thinking of you, always.

Your sister

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