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May 7, 2022

Fighting The Feeling of “Running Away”

“Monsters are real, ghosts are real too. They live inside us, and sometimes they win.”

– Stephen King

 

You know sometimes when there is nothing you can actually do in a difficult situation you just want to disappear. You want to do everything you can to get out of this mess, situation and time. That’s what I am feeling now. It started off a few days ago when I felt that I had had enough of everything happening around me.

I had a thought, which I am sure we all do, at one time or another, a strong feeling of just packing up a few things and leaving. Leaving everything to start afresh. Away from all this, to somewhere where nobody would know me and I would live in a one bedroom small place, go to work, do gardening, make my own food, go for long walks, make new friends and be just by myself.

Nobody would know my background. Although, I would remember my past and have memories to go with it, I would move on ahead towards the unknown; dive into hard work and solidarity.

Whist I was having this profound urge to ‘run away’, I thought to myself of how selfish I was being. How could I leave the people who depend on me? How could I even think of leaving a big void in people’s lives? How would they cope? I would go away but they would stay in the same house with my things, memories lurking around destroying their lives. Consoling myself by saying that they would be fine after the initial few days, months, I moved on to thinking even further. Where would I go? I decided that I could go literally anywhere I chose. All I needed were my belongings and my certificates (for future job). I had it all planned out.

I looked outside the window. The sun was shining bright, mercilessly, bearing its strong rays on every living being. My laundry was drying outside on the washing line, waiting for me to pick it up in the evening. Who would do the laundry when I was gone? They would mix delicates with the cottons, put the spin on 1000 when it was meant to be on for only 400. That’s just it; I cannot control everything I have been told. I cannot get into the nitty- gritty of it all. So that would not be my problem because I would be far away. I can’t do everything for everyone all the time. I cannot be there for everyone all the time. Which is why I wanted to go in the first place.

The feeling of emptiness crept in again. It was very strong. I was having thoughts such as- in the end, nobody does anything for anyone- we are all alone. All of us too engaged in our lives to be a part of anyone else’s life. No time to listen, share, understand, care or be in anyone’s life. We are too busy making our own life, too self absorbed, to egoistic and too frustrated to be a part of anybody’s life.

We are all in a rush to make money, to have the latest gadgets, to be more ‘comfortable’, to own a better house, to have more cool but fake friends, to project to be the best in social media.

Also, people get tired of each other. They become tired of helping out emotionally, psychologically because it drains them. Recently, a friend of mine who had been helping another friend cope with her anxiety had to cut her off because she couldn’t cope, she told me. She explained that she only had so much of ‘head space’ she could take.

Nobody has the time or capacity to invest in relationships anymore. Spouses grow tired of helping each other cope emotionally. Everybody lives for himself or herself. In the end one starts blaming another saying- “You can’t handle any situation.” The blame game, manipulation and snide remarks begin to the point of breakdown of a relationship, loss of respect, trust and understanding.

So what was preventing me from leaving- why was I having that niggling feeling of guilt? I looked around my room. I didn’t have the courage to just get up and go. I couldn’t be so selfish. I am strong. I will stay here and live a normal life like everyone does. Everybody has their ups and downs but we must look on the positive side all the time. Why is this happening and what can I do to make it better?

I thought of all the happy times and everything I had to look forward to. I also thought of myself and being selfish for myself. I won’t let anyone destroy my piece of mind, shatter all my dreams and steal my home away from me. I will stay put and brave out the bump put in my smooth path. I cannot predict the upcoming. What if something goes wrong in my imaginative paradise of the future? Who will be there for me then?

In conclusion, at the end, we all need one another. No matter what the situation is, family matters. Demanding parents, Un- compromising spouse and selfish children, they all matter and in a funny way, they care, maybe not the way we want them to but they do.

Picking up my glass of water, I walked towards the kitchen. Put it in the sink. I got out a fresh, empty, sparkling glass, opened the fridge and poured out some crisp, white wine to celebrate my mature, logical reasoning.

Well, we’ve all heard of “Home is where the Wine is”, haven’t we?

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