What does one do when they find themselves in a “companionate” long-term union?
How does one ignite the flames of passion and desire when your coffee is cold and you can barely look at your own reflection in the mirror, never mind your partner’s?
When life is hectic and there are more demands than time, the first thing that often goes is sleep and the second is sex—and not always in that order.
Sex is important, and it is fun. It helps relieve stress, helps with humor, and keeps bodies well-lubricated. Sex brings us closer and helps in providing us with the “love cocktail” that keeps us connected and going strong.
I am a therapist and not a sex expert. What I do know is the importance of scheduling connection.
Now hear me out.
Yes, instant, spontaneous sex is fun; it just doesn’t happen when life gets busy and gets away from us. What can ground us here in the now isn’t an erotic novel; it is scheduling.
We need to make time to take time to connect, and if we’re at the point where it is painful, we might need to sit down with a therapist to work through the tension, pain, and difficulties that have wedged the discomfort.
Getting connected with your own sexuality is a good first start.
Allowing yourself to accept and see yourself as you are offering some sweetness and taking care of yourself is a sweet, aphrodisiac gift. If you have no time for this, schedule it in.
Date nights are another addition to the week or month.
Set aside time to just be with each other without work, commitments, and kids. We need to do this at the start of relationships and in all the stages as we continue to learn and grow.
We can set these dates with little expectations other than some eye contact, fun, and the start of some physical touch, which can be as simple as holding hands or brushing the hair from your partner’s face.
Do you recall the last time you did this? How about passing your hand over your partner’s back or thigh? When was the last time you laughed at yourself and together?
If you haven’t touched for what feels like a lifetime, start slow and start opening up about your thoughts and feelings. Get to know each other again where you are right now.
It is never too late to resurrect and ignite the love you want and deserve. It does take honesty with yourself and your partner. It does take time, and it takes a desire for change.
This might be my shortest piece yet, and the time I am saving you while reading, you can use it to schedule in time to “get it on.”