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June 4, 2022

Sometimes Fulfillment is Elusive

I am so fortunate in getting to have the conversations, and experiences, that I have.

And how much of one person’s journey is all of ours, how the learning, the understanding in one space can open the space for someone else. How a discussion on a workshop, a question someone has, an issue they’re looking at, opens an awareness for others, how a discussion in a session brings a wave of something similar.

It’s one of the reasons our sharing ourselves is important, we share for ourselves, we share for everyone.

A while back I wrote a piece called Just because You’re Having Orgasms Doesn’t Mean That You’re Fulfilled. This idea comes back again and again in many ways.

Here’s another layer of that conversation.

‘So here’s the thing. I’m in a relationship and we mostly have good sex. I don’t always have an orgasm, which is fine. What I’ve found is that afterwards, whether I’ve had an orgasm or not, I often feel unfulfilled, like something is missing.’

We began to explore this.

And over time and many conversations with people in private sessions and in workshops, something interesting emerged.

We have sex for many different reasons.

There are things we want from sex, from a pleasure experience.

We’re not always aware of these, and we don’t always communicate them.

The framework I put my work in is that of patterns.

We do what we’re patterned and conditioned to do, have done for as long as we’ve been doing it.

Most of these patterns are subconscious, we’re not aware of them.

And because sex is, for many of us, one of the most deeply patterned, least spoken about aspects of life, we put a great deal of what we’d like in sex, when it actually may be something different that we want.

That doesn’t mean we can’t find it or have it in sex.

It does mean that the experience needs to be different, have some different elements.

Let’s make this more definite, more than a concept.

If we’re looking for intimacy and connection, which many of us are, a penetrative experience, in the way we generally do that, might not be fulfilling enough.

Most of us have sex with our eyes closed.

We’re in thoughts, we’re in fantasy, we’re at work, we come to being present, we might open our eyes for a while, we close them again…

When the focus is on the goal, on the orgasm, we do what we need to get there, which is often fantasy, thoughts etc.

An intimate experience is about connecting. It’s hearts and eyes. It might be words. It might not include penetration. It might be about cuddling, holding, touching. And more, as we all have a different expression of sensual intimacy.

We tend to think that sex is the way to get there, to have the Intimacy.

And it may not be so.

And maybe something a simple as looking into each other’s eyes all the time will be more intimate.

It is, so much more.

When my lover and I share in that, what we see in each other deepens the sensation, the feeling, the energy.

And it is SO intimate.

If we’d like to have an experience of sexual energy it needs to be different.

We need to learn how to build and spread the energy.

How to breathe.

How to be more present in our bodies.

Again, a contractive orgasm experience may not be the best way to have that experience.

These are just two examples of what we may want. They’re a little more than that as these came up in many of the conversations.

We change this by becoming aware of where we are emotionally physically, energetically, mentally, sexually.

We become aware of what we’d like, what we need, what are we bringing to sex today.

The pattern means that we generally have sex in the same way, we do the same things, without thinking about what we’d really like, without taking the time to see what’s within us, what’s alive now.

We become aware of what the desire of our hearts are, what the desire of our bodies are.

And from the awareness we can share that, talk about it, and create the experiences that will bring us fulfillment.

It’s stepping into possibility, the limitless possibility of pleasure.

 

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