The idea of this letter doesn’t originate at Trent Vineyard here in Nottingham where I found myself after deciding to join the AA meeting at this location on a Friday evening, but the catalyst for this action was my friend Diane.

I decided to start at this place, and I wouldn’t go there if it wasn’t for her.

Even though this letter is mostly addressed to my friend Diane, I tried to write it in a way that will allow others to see her as she truly is. I had this strangely embarrassing feeling when I told John—the only guy whom I met there since the meeting was cancelled due to Queen’s jubilee—that I’m here since my friend suggested I would find a community to allow me to work the 12-step program in connection with others.

I mean, obviously John had no idea who my friend was, but looking back, I am not sure there was enough pride in my voice as I said it because I realised that without knowing, she helped me in ways I can only describe as mysterious.

We met when I was in college, and she was my teacher. I actually had a crush on her and I think she knows this, she probably knew it then too, but either way, I owe her a lot in terms of wanting to write / be a writer and crush or no crush, we met again, even though only virtually after many years on Facebook. But it was only recently we started talking again and when Diane said “We’re like old friends” I realised how much it actually means to hear someone you admire and respect call you an old friend.

I am still going through a strange aftermath of an unexpected breakup and certain things trigger me still and one of the things I miss most is the trust and closeness with someone, so being called an old friend healed a lot of sadness in this area as it felt like our friendship gained not just one new level, but somehow it shot through many levels and I saw how correct they were when they said “opposite of addiction isn’t sobriety, but a connection”.

I cannot say much about her journey, but it kind of felt like being Sam and Frodo (though technically we both carry our own ring to destroy) at the edge of Shire and I’m using this metaphor partially because actually am walking a digital challenge based on their journey through the Middle-earth.

In many ways, knowing of what each of us is going through, yet only see it from our own perspective, there’s a mutual respect and appreciation one for another that I often wonder how do we actually meet these people and I cannot help but wonder whether there indeed isn’t some mystical force at play that sends us on unexpected journeys, far away from our little hobbit holes and we meet those we were supposed to meet and the feeling that comes from this happening isn’t much different to falling in love. I guess it is at this point when we get to understand that we are on the right path. These people are like a godsend gift, it’s almost like The Phial of Galadriel, to be our light in dark places, when all other lights go out.

When I started my journey of recovery, I didn’t know what I need to do, where to go, who to ask for directions, yet looking back, I always have been meeting the right people and I was finding clues at unusual places.

I am still a bit lost when I have to speak about this journey, as much as I wouldn’t really want to carry the one ring to Mordor, I sometimes wonder if it wouldn’t be easier if all the heaviness I carry wasn’t bound into a single object that can be destroyed, even when the only place where the destruction of it can be achieved is far away and there are deadly dangers everywhere.

I’m pretty sure my other friend Vio would call me a drama queen reading this, but as Russell Brand put it in his 12 Step Recovery “between me and you right now, we’re dealing with nothing less than a system for inducing enlightenment. I don’t want that to sound overly grandiose, but I do want you to know that what the 12 steps does is –  it takes you from a state of unawareness to a state of awareness, a state of unconsciousness to a state of consciousness.” I actually don’t talk about this often, because I don’t believe that anyone who hasn’t started the 12 step program understands the depth of it, but sooner or later I will have to, as it’s part of the program and if someone decides to call me a drama queen then so be it.

Sooner or later I’ll have to make amends to those I’ve hurt whilst I was living and acting from unawareness and that has a tendency to be dramatic so I’m just warming up for that 🙂

Diane,

I seem to have got sidetracked in my writing and I’m not even sure this is a publishable piece,  or whether this is even a letter, but I felt like I want to say thank you for being here and being an inspiration to me. And for holding space for me!

For all you, other readers, I’m sorry if this was boring. I hope there were at least a few sentences where you felt included.

And PS – Vio, thank you for your friendship! I appreciate you.