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It was a sobering moment, realizing I am my own responsibility.
I fought it.
It depressed me and made me feel lonely.
Something happened when I married: I lost myself.
Despite having been well-educated, versed in feminist ideas, and financially independent for two years already, when I became a wife at 24, my independence completely evaporated.
No longer the savvy, accomplished, independent young woman, I unconsciously became someone else.
I became the little girl programmed by my parents’ dysfunctional relationship, inherited survival mechanisms, and ancestral trauma passed on through both sides of my lineage.
Developmental and ancestral trauma cuts us off from the present moment.
It traps us in past disempowerment. Prevents us from claiming our power. From realizing there are always enough choices. From believing our needs can and deserve to be met. And that we are the ones responsible.
I know that I am not alone in this.
Time and time again, I see women—professionally, economically, socially independent and self-sufficient women—who are still disempowered and codependent in the emotional realm.
In a coaching conversation about our need to be saved and save others, one of these women wrote:
“… I’ve come to understand (that) I’ve equated my worth and value to my doing and not my being. In my selfless giving to others, I realized it was also creating an unspoken desire that someone would do the same for me. So as I was saving others with my doing, I was unconsciously wanting someone to ‘love me enough’ to do the same for me. That revelation on our call that just as I am no one’s savior and no one is my savior was HUGE.”
The pattern described here—going outside of Self to build up others so they can then take care of you—is classic codependent behavior.
We are only just starting to understand how much more efficient (and straightforward!) it is to take responsibility for our own needs, and to allow other adults to take care of theirs.
The thing is (and I found this truly difficult to accept), no one really owes us anything.
People will only give freely if they do so because they want to. Obligation makes us resentful in relationships and, sooner or later, causes a blow up.
Self-responsibility can be a hard pill to swallow, but it does have some positive side-effects. When we fill our own cup, anything we receive from another becomes a true gift—unexpected and, therefore, much more appreciated.
The prerequisite for all successful relationships is a secure and nourishing relationship with Self.
As self-sufficient adults, free of codependent agenda, we can finally feel safe to be ourselves within or without relationships. In turn, we allow others to feel safe to be themselves, as well.
Relating happens in the present moment, with the other person as they are now, and us showing up fully, without holding anything back.
In considering your own relationships, I invite you to ask yourself this:
Do I risk showing up fully? Am I able to trust?
Trust is not about the behavior of the other.
Trust is being able to rely on your inner resources.
It is knowing that you will handle whatever arises as life unfolds.
Everything we do is a choice: conscious or unconscious.
To accept self-responsibility is a choice.
And conscious change requires daring.
It demands enormous energy and focus. Commitment to our own well-being. Dedication to self-responsibility. Belief that there’s more to life. And that we deserve to thrive.
To be disempowered and stuck is an unconscious choice.
It’s a learned helplessness. A child-like relationship with life. When you expect change for the better to come from outside.
I still find myself fighting some aspects of my own choice daily.
But it is in self-responsibility that freedom lies.
No one’s coming to save you. Protect you. Love you.
Only you can do that.
You are your own hero. Parent. Lover.
You must be your own source of safety and nourishment.
No man will give you the fulfillment and feeling of flow you desire. These only arrive when we dare to open our hearts to our own loving and our minds to our own inner truth.
It is only once we recognize our contribution to our current circumstances that we can step into our power to make the necessary changes.
Still waiting for the right moment? For things to fall into place?
The only time there’s ever been is now.
“You can do it… you just have to stop waiting to feel like it.” ~ Mel Robbins
My Safe to Be Me program is a journey of coming home to yourself. It is not about learning new rules, it’s about unlearning all the shoulds. It is not a linear, concrete process, it’s about realizing that we are the bridge. Between our ancestors and our children, on an evolutionary journey of healing. Healing ourselves and everyone who comes into our orbit.
Hurt people hurt people. Healed people heal people. What choice will you make? Through a unique blend of transformational tools, combining mindset shifts with somatic healing and ancient spiritual principles, I can guide you toward the embodied safety and self-sourced love that enables deep and authentic connections with others.
I’m ready to talk when you are. Book a free 30-min chat with me today.
Final truth tomorrow!