Perfection is unattainable

Yet, there we were thinking we were sustainable

In between drugs, music, and ruffled sheets 

We sought after laughter for ourselves to keep 

Leaving a degenerate city with a naive belief 

that it was him and I in this crazy world

And we allowed that love to unfurl 

 

We danced in his living room to “Wicked Game”

I felt elated to be with someone who never complained 

He placed a napkin in my lap as we shared bone marrow and a bottle of orange wine

As he spoke about how he loved the way my eyes shined 

In our hotel room he cried and we held each other tight 

Realizing that magical week had turned into our last night

 

Simplicity held his adoration 

While I was desperate for adulation 

We believed in sweet love with no shared demands

Feeling elated with a promise for no far reaching plans 

 

We talked for hours with many nights of little sleep

I wished this type of life could be mine to keep 

After meeting his friends, I felt part of his life

As we became more devoted, so did his wife

Rejection can be such an intense feeling 

Even though I value honesty, I have a hard time revealing 

He called and I didn’t have much to say

I was tired of pretending to be a certain way  

What a pretty picture I painted in order to be his type

Pitiful, because all I’ve ever wanted is to be loved right 

 

I can pinpoint when my loneliness began

When I drifted from man, to man, to man 

He was gentle and honest while I harbored lies

Fuck, I can be so cruel even when I don’t try  

I wish I knew the true meaning of love

Maybe then, I wouldn’t continue fucking it up

 

He told me he was no longer attached the last day we spoke

His nights were filled with someone else and a bit of my heart broke

So I erased him from my phone, believing it’d erase him from my heart

But, at random places and times  “Dreams” by Fleetwood Mac starts 

And I’m stopped in my tracks thinking about the way I looked at him when the world fell silent 

As I was trying to protect myself, I somehow became reliant

 

My bookshelf contains a bright green Silverstein book 

I walk past with my eyes closed because I can no longer look 

The memory of me laying on his chest as he read in his dad voice

Leaves me feeling foolish, knowing this was my choice 

The stars shine every night and I wish he hadn’t pointed out a few constellations 

Or when we hiked, he hadn’t spoke about his quirky rock fascination 

 

I wish I kept his voicemail that let me know he was thinking of me 

Or the photos of us when we were traveling and carefree 

Because I still remember the way I felt when he said, “I adore you.”

How passionately we kissed in the back of a NYC dive bar and realizing our love was true 

I want to re-read our stupid love letters sent by email

And be in a new city with him sharing a cocktail

But all that’s left behind is Nola and a sex tape 

 

Please stop asking me why I named my baby Nola 

At first, she jokingly was our consummation puppy 

I’ll always remember that day, he wanted to take the next step and I felt so lucky 

But his commitment lasted for a short weekend

Which was starting to become our trend 

I’m grateful to replace my love for him onto her

But that doesn’t mean I haven’t dreamed of him being on the other side, snuggling her fur 

 

But he’s moved on and I have new adventures with new men to claim

But every once in a while I get stuck on his name 

I wish the memory of his face wouldn’t continue fading

Or for once I’d listen to myself when I say, “he’s not going to reach out, so stop waiting”

 

He was all of the things that I wanted

And to think that all of this was for nothing can leave me haunted

But, when I remind myself that in four short months we fell in love 

The weight of what was found is what I’m proud of 

Even though as quickly as he came 

He went away 

I hope my next love brings me just as much joy as he had 

Because I’d relive every single moment, the good and the bad