‘Don’t go straight for the clit.’
If we learn a little about sexual, and oral pleasure, and more specifically, Kissing a Yoni, it’s one of the first pieces of advice in so many lessons and talks and tutorials.
And generally it’s a great piece of learning.
I’d like to share something with you that can change that, and it needs to be in a context.
I find myself saying quite often that most of us have sex for the end of sex, which is the orgasm. We have goal-oriented sex, which is about the same thing, the orgasm.
And as wonderful as orgasms are, there is so much more.
It’s a simple idea, and when it really lands within us, it’s an incredibly freeing idea.
I teach a lot of questions as a way of engaging with ourselves, with life, with sensuality, sexuality and pleasure.
One of the questions linked to this, to the freedom, is What else is there? What else is in the situation, what else is possible?
When we ask that in terms of orgasm the freedom that it gives us is to explore, to experiment, to discover.
It’s also a question that can take us out of our patterns, out of our expectations.
Understanding these is something that opens many different doors of pleasure, of possibility.
Let’s take a moment with them.
We live in patterns, and we have sex in patterns. The patterns are what we know, what we’re comfortable with, what we do. And they don’t always lead to fulfillment.
We do what we do because sometimes it’s all that we know.
And it’s safe.
Just because we know it.
We also have sex with an expectation, how it’s going to be, what we’re going to do, and how it’s going to end.
Often we’re having the expectation rather than the experience.
We’re not feeling the sensations that are present now, we’re feeling what we think we should be feeling.
When we start asking these questions we begin to free ourselves from the patterns and the expectations.
Which opens us to possibility.
Now let’s go back to Kissing a Yoni.
It’s one of the ways that many women orgasm.
It can also be an experience of worship, of your lover, and in a beautiful ritual, of the energy of The Goddess in the world, represented in your body, in your Yoni.
When the goal is orgasm we do what works, what we know to make that happen.
And we understand that for many women this takes time, has a build-up of sensation and energy.
Which means we do not go straight for the clit.
Here’s a different possibility.
Take the idea of the goal, of orgasm, away for a moment.
And make the experience about sensation, about feeling and about energy.
And learn to kiss and lick, softly, SO softly, and slowly, SO slowly.
That’s the key.
SO soft, SO slow.
On her clitoris.
That she can feel your breath and the slightest touch.
Don’t go harder, don’t go faster.
Move your tongue up and down, across, in circles, whatever movement you’re going to make.
And you’ll be amazed at how this fire sparks and grows.
Don’t change what you’re doing, which takes awareness. Don’t rush for the end. Don’t try and make something happen, don’t try and get anywhere, achieve anything. Forget about the orgasm, about making her come.
Here’s what does happen.
If there’s an orgasm, and I’ll tell you that more often than not there is, it’s an Allowing Orgasm rather than a Making Orgasm.
And the allowing comes from deep inside of her body.
Because it’s slow it’s a fire that grows amazingly, with such delicious sensation, such richness.
There’s also no performance, there’s no expectation.
One of the things that this shifts is that it takes us out of the goal into pleasure.
And pleasure is the exploration, the feeling, the sensation, the energy.
Pleasure is also in the moment, present.
And giving in this way becomes a meditation.
You also become so much aware of your partner, of what’s happening in her body, there’s a deeper connection, more feeling, and such intimacy.
So much of what I teach is about possibility, and we engage more with possibility when we slow down.
It also becomes the space where life and sex meet, what we learn and experience in one, we take into the other.
And we see that pleasure is life, life is pleasure.
And they’re both filled with possibility.
Both about making love.