4.2
December 18, 2022

Rough night last night.

Rough night last night.

I’m generally all better these days—after my Cowboy Song year: losing 20 good employees last year and a good part of my dream and work over 20 years, losing a best friend, ripping up my elbows, losing my dog to a painful death over 3.5 months, losing my engagement to my love (losing my love), I’m much better now. I’ve written about what’s helped, here, before.

But clearly I’m not there yet. Had some nice talks (that I think unearthed some feelings, turned the compost of my experience and broken heart) about how I’m doing better over last few days, and saw some friends online stories about partying and having a great time, and didn’t hear back right away from a recent date, and saw yet another writer leave our indie community for a Big Tech play…

…and sure enough, surprise surprise, 3 am I woke up and my mind started going through the fears and the sadnesses and the plans and the challenges and it was awful. Finally fell asleep a few hours later.

I’m more grateful than ever for the practice of meditation, which gives me good ground, and community, and

what little I do have, in the shaken view of 3 am sleepless nadir nights, seen through gratitude, is a whole heckuva lot.

I may be lonely, and defeated in some respects, but I’m also proud of much of what I have done and who I am, and want to give much more, and figure out how to move forward longer term. It’s intimidating, and it’s sad, and my big cozy house is empty once again, and dreams of family have expired into the cold winter air.

For now.

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