My vision of love has always been inaccurate. Growing up in the 80’s, most anecdotal experiences of love derived from pop music and movies like Sixteen Candles and Say Anything turned out to be toxic fantasies. Smoldering Jake Ryan sits across from awkward Molly Ringwald, silhouetted by glowing birthday candles, sharing an intimate kiss that somehow magically evolved after 90 minutes of being complete strangers. Lloyd Dobbler thrusts his boombox to the sky outside Diane Court’s window, filling the night with Peter Gabriel’s In Your Eyes while Diane listens emo-eyed in her angst-ridden bed. Such scenes left me hopeful similar dramas would play out in my own life, leading me further down a damaging path of illusion that “love” could and would be summed up in a 3-act structure with a guaranteed happily-ever-after. But those movies left out how to keep a relationship going throughout decades. Instead, half all marriages end in divorce. Roll the tape past John Hugh’s ending and we might discover Jake Ryan turns out to be a porn addict. Years after graduation, Cameron Crowe’s Diane might leave Lloyd for a woman and take both dogs, leaving the boombox shattered in the driveway after a messy midnight confrontation in front of the neighbors. 

I had to abandon the toxic vision so I could grow up and out of the overly romanticized lust-driven shenanigans of 80’s make-believe. Today my vision of love is an amalgamation of concrete spiritual truths, rather than fleeting human emotions bred from physical gratification. I had to let go of the idea of love as a feeling, and realize that “true” love is a series of conscious actions and sober choices that demand our egos take a backseat in order to truly cherish, honor, and respect our partner. 

I drew from several Greek translations of the word “love” (we English speakers greedily cram a vast spectrum of meaning into that one little word: “l-o-v-e”, which has origins in Germanic languages and can be traced at its most base root to “libido”). No wonder many of us hopelessly flounder in the dark! The Ancient Greeks had not one, but at least seven different words to translate “love”. The first four struck a chord with me: EROS (romantic passion), PHILIA (intimate friendship), STORGE (unconditional familial devotion), and AGAPE (universal empathy and compassion for all). I now have a better understanding of how much my consciousness needed to expand to truly comprehend what it means to love and be loved. Perhaps I’ll go more in depth in a follow-up post–these alternate concepts are truly illuminating.

Physical lust is fun, but it’s not without breaks and dips. One cannot assume the “love” is dead because life gets in the way of sexual passion (eros). Intimate friendship is something that can be cultivated by spending quality time with your partner—not abandoning them for career, children, or personal conflicts (philia). Unconditional devotion towards our children is selflessly expressed as we care for them during their first years of life without any expectation of a “thank you” (storge). And those who know God understand the overwhelming peace that comes from embracing a loving omnipotent higher power (agape). In conclusion, we must embrace all these manifestations of love to be effective partners. We cannot abandon them at the first sign of flaws. Such behavior suggests it was never really “love” in the first place. But when the proper components are in place, we will feel safe to repeatedly forgive, actively connect, and fearlessly sacrifice our own self-seeking needs. Only then can the relationship endure—at which point I think it’s best to put down the boombox, return home and give that poor girl her space for the night. No further drama needed…everything is going to be fine for you both.