“Maybe it’s not about trying to fix something broken. It’s about starting over and creating something better.” ~ Anonymous
We’ve all dreams of that “perfect relationship” and the “right one” for us.
However, being in that kind of relationship or with such a person doesn’t come easily. There are those lucky few who do justice to “love at first sight” and “happily ever after” in a really short span of time.
For the rest of us, though, it’s about going through a series of relationships and being with different people before settling down with the one.
In a classic fairy tale, princesses have to kiss many frogs before stumbling upon their prince and men have to search for the so-called real princess.
In that process, we end up going through heartbreaks and failures. We endure a lot of pain and anguish.
However, this failure is important. If there were no failures, we would never learn the value of success.
Similarly, sometimes even relationships need to fail because it’s only then that we realise who or what kind of a relationship is actually meant for us.
Of course, no learning, lesson, or insight takes away the pain that a failure, loss, or breakup causes. Yet, this pain in itself teaches us a lot, and when we don’t learn from it, we continue to make the same mistakes and put ourselves through repeated misery.
Behind every dark cloud there is always a silver lining and it’s not always visible immediately; it takes time to show up and shine.
In a similar way, when a relationship breaks, there is pain and chaos. It’s extremely difficult and sometimes impossible to see through that chaos. You can’t tell that it was probably for your higher good and even if someone tells you that, you just can’t believe it. You need to sit with your pain, be still, move with it, stay with it until you’re able to free yourself from its grip; that’s when you slowly begin to spot the silver lining. It may take time (sometimes…a lot of time).
But sooner or later you will get there and you need to allow yourself to process that pain to be able to move toward a person or a relationship that truly connects with your heart and supports you in your healing journey.
But before you can do that, you need to understand the lessons that a broken relationship is trying to tell you:
1. They weren’t meant for you. If you’re not together, then you weren’t meant to be. Maybe it was the timing or your priorities were different or circumstances weren’t in your favor. Whatever it was, it wasn’t meant to be and you need to let it go gracefully.
2. You need to make this about you. At some point in time, you need to shift the focus from them to you i.e. your feelings. Not every question can be answered. You may not get the closure you deserve or need. But the more you hang on to the idea of getting a closure from them, the more miserable you will be. You need to close the doors on the relationship that has ended on your own for you to be able to move on.
3. Moving on doesn’t mean jumping into another relationship. The biggest support you can give to yourself is by not jumping into another relationship till you feel internally ready. The world will push you into dating other people and will tell you to get on with your life. But you need to listen to your inner voice and do what comes to you naturally. You need to give yourself time to heal and get back into your own life. It’s about starting afresh mentally and emotionally before getting into a relationship.
4. Your self-worth is not dependent on the presence or absence of a relationship. Just because someone rejected you or a relationship didn’t work out doesn’t make you a bad person or a kind of a person no one wants to be with. Those are just fears and insecurities that are natural. The more you reinforce these thoughts, the more they will become your beliefs, which would be harder to break. A rejection, a breakup, or an ending only tells you that it wasn’t meant to be; there was no compatibility. It’s best to leave it there.
5. You need to reassess your choices. A broken relationship is also a doorway to change and growth, only if we’re willing to see it like that. An ending always paves the way for a new beginning. Therefore, it’s important to take this time to reflect on what worked and what didn’t in this relationship so that you can move into the next one with a fresh perspective.
6. You need to forgive. The biggest closure you can give to yourself is forgiveness. Forgive the other person for whatever they have done. Forgiving them doesn’t mean that their actions become acceptable. It simply means that you aren’t allowing yourself to be gripped by your own anger and blame. You are choosing to free yourself. And then you need to forgive yourself for all the things that you may not have done right in that relationship. Your own guilt and regret will keep you captive. So free yourself. You are only human after all and we all mess up every now and then.
7. Promise that you’ll show up for yourself. You may not have supported yourself enough in your previous relationship and that’s okay. That’s what you need to figure out and learn.
While failures are important and a natural part of life, it’s up to us whether we want to let them define who we are and where we are going to be. When a relationship ends, let it go gracefully without attaching blame, resentment, regret, guilt, or anger to the extent that it consumes you. And that is hard. But not impossible.
Perhaps, it’s the only thing you can do.
Free yourself before you are truly ready to move on.
Let the closure you need come from you.
“And maybe a happy ending doesn’t include a guy. Maybe it’s you…on your own…moving on.” ~ Anonymous