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January 9, 2023

The day I really started to love myself

Photo by Jasmine Carter on Pexels.

2023 started out on the heavier side for me, emotionally.

I don’t know what happened, maybe I could blame it on Mercury retrograde or as a Cancer, being super sensitive to the Full Wolf Moon in Cancer… whatever it is, I felt really heavy and tons of things came up each day – supperesed emotions from previous relationships, memories of being treated badly by others, childhood trauma I didn’t even remember anymore (or as turned out, I suddenly did) and everything you can imagine.

For days and days I did nothing much but journaling about these feelings in my freetime. It made me feel a bit better. Journaling always helps me to gain a wider perspective on things and results in a-ha moments. But still it wasn’t the real thing. I couldn’t figure what is the exact thing I have to let go of.

Then the full moon arrived and I was on the brink of a mental breakdown. I was frustrated and overwhelmed. I ended up in a fight with almost everyone I encountered. I cried seven times. I nearly exploded.

So I decided it’s time to perform a full moon ritual, which I used to do every month but then abandoned this habit for a while. I prepared everything: my yoga mat because I jsut love to perform my moon rituals sitting on it, my palo santo to cleanse my space, a lovely scented candle and my Himalayan salt lamp to create a cosy atmosphere, my journal, my crystals and my tarot cards. After liting the candle I cleansed my cards and my crystals and my self with the palo santo, did some seated asanas to stretch my muscles and sat quetly in sukhasana to meditate.

My intention was to connect deeply with this wounded part of me that is sending these supressed emotions to the surface and ask her why she’s doing it, and to let them go finally. I was meditating over these emotions and memories I wanted to let go of when I heared a voice talking to me. Oddly I felt like the voice was not coming from the other room but from within me. It was my own voice. She said: Stop this bullshit.
Escuse me?! – I asked.
– You heared me well. Stop this bullshit. Stop letting go. You could sit here for the rest of your life listing things you want to let go of and even if you’d reach to the end one day, it would make no difference.

I just didn’t get it. Why are all these things coming up, making me feel shit if I am not supposed to let go of them? What do you want me to do then?
– Sit with it and start f*cuking showing up!
– What do you mean? I just showed up for this.
– Yeah but did you really?

Did I really show up for myself? Did I really sit with my emotions, feeling through them, analyzing my memories to understand them better? No, I guess, not really. I showed up seemingly but I didn’t go deep enough. I suddenly saw the same memories in a different light. Instead of seeing how my exes treated me I saw self-abandonement, lack of love, empathy and respect for myself. When I accepted bad treatment from others I didn’t see people being rude, taking advantage of me or manipulative anymore, I saw how I did not stand up for myself. How I placed others in front of me. And most of it, I saw how I was looking for things outside of myself. Things I only should look for within myself. Love. Attention. Respect. Care. Empathy. Tenderness. Understanding. Accountability.

The whole time I abandoned myself because I thought if I do this or that, which I really didn’t want to do I will receive the love or attention I was craving from my then-boyfriends, or keep peace with my parents, or a colleague  would become my friend. When I could just give myself the love and attention I needed, because I had it in me – if I could give it to others, I could have give it to myself just the same way, and then I’d spare all the pain, drama, negativity and trauma I went through for basically, nothing but a painful life lesson. But I couldn’t be mad at myself for that. The childhood memories that came up also showed me things in different light. How could I ever know how to love myself, when my caregivers  never loved themselves therefore they were unable to teach me this? How could I ever know these things are within me and I can give them for myself, when no one ever told me? I real clichés in magazines in my teens but they never explained what do they mean or how you love yourself? How could I even know what real, unconditional love is when I grew up believeing that conditional love is real love, and I will be loved and valued if I reach certain material goals and statuses?

I could not know this. I had to go through all these experiences so I can learn it on my own because there was no one else to teach me.

As I was sitting there on my yoga mat, crossed legged, my hands resting over my heart, something broke in me. Like a gate that was holding back a whole, mad river and now it opened everything got flooded by it. My tears were falling heavy like rain.

I was so sorry. I was holding myself by my own arms, like a hug and let all the tears come. I don’t even know how long was I sitting there, crying, just feeling everything at once. In the end all I could mumble to myself was “Please forgive me, please forgive me. Can you forgive me? I’m so sorry.”

I then wrote a letter for myself in my journal, apologizing for everything I did to me, and somehow the letter turned into an answer as well. I know how much I needed myself, and I had this weird feeling that my self was waiting so patiently for me to realize this and come home and finally show up for my self, for our relationship. Because even if it is with me, I feel like it is a relationship that, as every other relationship, needs to be nurtured. It is built on love, trust, communication and respect – for my Self.

A few days have passed since I had this realization and reconnection with myself, and my life feels so different ever since. It didn’t change at all but being in it, living it is what became different. The way I see others is different, even the way I look at myself in the mirror changed. I feel like finally, after 32 years I became my own best friend, my own mother, nurturer, my own child, my own sister, and simply my Own. I finally belong with me and I’m gonna take care of this bond like my life depends on it. Because it does.

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