“CONTROL KILLS CONNECTION HEALS”
― Richard Powers, The Overstory

This is the latest powerful thing I read/listened to/learned/discussed with my amazing academic son, who’s just turned 30, but kinda like 80.  He is currently working on his science/ psychy thesis for his Master’s degree.  I use this quote and think about it constantly now and relate it to everything.  He does this to me, and others. Always.  The eternal teacher and also learner.

I knew it the day he was born, like most Mothers I guess, how perfect, sweet and just what a freaking miracle he was.  Always curious, asking questions, that unquenched desire to know things, everything, really.  This continued right up until school, when the teachers started telling us he was putting a lot of pressure onto himself to perform, to achieve, to excel.  In Kindergarten, yikes….

Well, of course, did we listen and act accordingly? Nah, we just didn’t know any better back then.  We had a wonderful smart perfect genius child, right?  Why look at that as a red flag or something to worry about?

He would organize and sort, create goldberg machines in his room to do things for him, like turning off his light without getting out of bed, starting to read Harry Potter novels in Grade two, creating games and showing the leadership skills of an adult.  The oldest of three now.  So responsible, so “grown up” already, wanting to wear suits everywhere.

Fast forward to trouble in our marriage and me being in my room for long bouts, recovering emotionally from perceived abandonment, and pasts scars for both myself and his Dad, not having the smoothest marriage on and off.  Or the smoothest childhoods ourselves, like most maybe?  Things we cannot change but can forgive ourselves and our parents for and do the best we can now to heal our family going forward.

Listening was the thing I should have (oops, “may have wanted to do”) better ;).  That is one of the things I now say differently to myself and others, because of him.

He has taught us so much as an adult, now we learn, who is suffering from ADHD, and I guess always has been.  It looks very different and yet the same for many.  Maybe all of us to some extent suffer, as we all experienced trauma and not ideal circumstances in childhood.  Not their fault, not our fault.  We do the best we can with what we know at the time, right?  This feels like a much better way to look at it now.

But (no,…..”And” instead), the torture he has felt and still does, in order to accept himself, and still maybe doesn’t, breaks my heart.

I guess it was through Covid, and certain politics issues that we really leaned on him for answers and guidance and just talking about things that weren’t making sense these last few years.  And we noticed how much he had changed and how accepting he was of our ignorance, unknowing, fear, inability to navigate and critical think the way he had now.  Our eyes have been opened so wide these past couple of years. His knowledge and ability to explain without judgement, his kindness, soft approach to the world, acceptance of all and why they do what they do.  His wanting to save us and our world from extinction, and pain, and non-connection, blows me away.

We recently went to see Avatar 2 together as a family, when he was home for Christmas, since we loved the first one a lot.  He was so impressed again now as an adult, with the ideas presented once again and wished so bad we could live a life like the Avi and explained how important it is that we are connected to nature and each other.

It’s just always so damn deep and interesting to be with and talk with, him.  My same sweet engaged and smart boy.

He knows so much resource material, books, quotes, references, to guide the convo. and ask you all the right questions. The knowledge in that head of his is unfathomable.  He seems to remember everything, and it’s relevance.  He helps teach university courses now, and gets high reviews from students and I know why.  He connects and he makes them feel ok, wanting to learn by using this kind, open, vulnerable, more listening kind of way.  It’s awesome, and what each of us now needs to realize is now the better way to teach our kids, and each other.  Fully accepting, and encouraging critical thinking, through questions, listening, and loving. Unconditional love. No blame, no shame, but accountability.

We spent a period in our live together at odds a bit, which broke my heart and probably his too, I would imagine.  I couldn’t listen more than tell, advise, suggest.  I wanted him to grow up “right” and helpful, and unselfish.  I was so wrong.  He didn’t need pressure, or expectations at all.  He always put so many of those on himself already…  Staying up all night at 12 years old, to finish some project, in order to get the extra 10%, so he’d have 110%, you know?  We had not idea that this was really happening or that it was a problem for him.  He hid himself, he thought he had to.  He was just a smart kid, with a bright future, right?  Or so we thought.

Well, these last few years have been tough on him, to say the least.  Searching for mental health help, finding out about the ADHD (for real, not just using the meds to be able to work his tail off in school and maintain A+, you know?).  The reading of and listening to so much deep, healing, and informative stuff, and then sharing and recapping that with us/for us (there is some incredible information out there on it now!).  He had to try and re-learn what was even something he enjoyed or had passion for, not just what he felt he had to do to excel or impress.  Had to navigate through a tough relationship break-up and remain friends still, has had to learn what he may want in order to wake up in the morning again.  To go with the flow more, give himself a break, realize giving 100% is not sustainable.  His learning about “The Dao” and how it’s helping him, and now us too.  It’s so hard in this fast paced, expectations based, non-connected techy world.  But man, we gotta try and get back some peace and harmony, how to exist in this universe more simply with nature and each other.

I am so very grateful and astonished at his being able to come to us with all this and improve and enlighten us all to this rampit current challenge of being able to be open, vulnerable and honest with each other in a way that allows and enables us to see, grow, accept and change, for a better life, a smoother, more connected life with each other.  My Mom did always say “Love, Love, and more Love. It’s the answer, honey”.

This all made me realize just how important it is to encourage and love our kids for exactly who they are.  Just like that amazing sweet inquisitive little being they placed in my arms back then, and ever since.