My world shattered when my mom passed away unexpectedly in April of 2021. It felt like I got punched in the stomach and couldn’t catch my breath. The first year I was lost in a state of shock and numbness.  I drank every day that first year. Numbing the pain with fruity seltzers so I didn’t have to face the reality that my world was forever changed, I would be forever changed.  We are not taught how to live without our moms, so I did what I normally do and pushed through the feelings, and I faked it daily.

All the firsts are a blur. That first Thanksgiving was the worst, and I was such a mess. I woke up emotional. We were hosting and I needed to calm down, so I started drinking mimosa’s around 10am. I finished 2 bottles of champagne before our family arrived and I continued to drink the rest of the day. I hardly ate and I don’t remember a lot. My family remembers though so there’s that. I made sure to tone it down at Christmas. Mainly for my kids. I didn’t want to ruin anything for them. The one-year anniversary of her passing fell on Easter. I thought we should all be together, so I hosted a little get together.  Nothing big. It was worse than Thanksgiving. I completely blacked out. I had an amazingly emotional conversation with my brother that I don’t remember and I’m too ashamed to ask. Slowly drinking myself into oblivion.

I’m grateful I was aware that I was slipping into darkness. I was not prepared for how alone I would feel, how hopeless I would feel, and still do some days. I just kept drinking it away. My wake-up moment is because of my daughter. She asked one morning after we had friends over if I was ok after falling so much. I had no clue what she was talking about. My kids had seen me drink many times. They had seen me drunk before but they had not seen me completely hammered, slurring and stumbling. That is a side of me they don’t need to see. I decided that morning that I needed to make a change. I didn’t drink the week that followed. I had a couple at my son’s birthday party, that always turned into an adult after party, but then that was it. July 31, 2022 was my day 1 of becoming alcohol free. I was prepared for it to be difficult. AA is great and I know lots of people, including my mom, that found help and comfort there but it’s just not for me. I’m choosing to do it on my own for now. I found a therapist that I connect with so that is huge. I journal daily.  I’ve read more books on this alcohol-free grief journey than I have my whole life. I struggle more with the grief than I do with not drinking. I feel like I took 10,000 steps backwards in my grieving process. Grief is lonely, not drinking is lonely, yet I choose to isolate myself and I’m still undecided if that’s a good or bad thing. I sit in my grief now. I feel all the feelings now. But I’m rediscovering myself in this whole process. At first, I thought I was Finding myself all over again and that made me feel so lost.  Replacing “finding myself’ with “rediscovering myself” was huge for me. I lost a piece of myself when my mom passed that I’ll never get back. I have days where I sit and cry and get nothing done.  Coming out a stronger person is the goal. It’s just going to take a long time to get there.  Lean into the ones who love and support you no matter what and know that it’s ok to be where you are.