I’m afraid. I am so scared to share my thoughts and am petrified if I do not try. It’s a paradox that I find myself in. I’m sure that others feel the same for a variety of reasons. I’m certainly scared of getting bit by a venomous snake, which feels a bit more realistic.

The thing is, I haven’t always been scared of my self-expression. I lived to express myself.

I also found out in my first spiritual descent that I need to express myself. However, doing so gives me a trauma response. I freeze, and I also fight. It’s not fun. I do have a safe container holding me. What I learned in my spiritual descent is its potent medicine. I see how I left myself vulnerable.

My trauma was a slow boil over many years. I honestly do not think any of it was done to traumatize me. Definitely to control me. It was a misuse of power, to be sure. My goal is to move on, not to analyze others’ motivations. I’m sure they would tell a different story.

I also find the fact that I have trauma both infuriating and paralyzing. I hope that I find healing by taking the most uncomfortable step I can. It’s not often that you find your core wound, let alone find out it is to your essential self. That being said…

I want to change my name.

I want to hide my identity. 

I’m still determining what my identity is.

I’m still determining who I am hiding from.

Am I hiding from them? Am I hiding from myself?

I’m tired of being misunderstood.

I’m tired of being told what to do. 

I’m still fighting in the dark. 

I will not stop showing up for myself until I am healed. 

Nine months ago, I was utterly broken. I was in a true dark night of the soul. I’m wondering now if this is ego death. I’m also wondering what the difference is? I try not to label. It’s not my first time here, but it has been a while. I just know I need to press on.

As I was talking to my therapist this past January about my descent. I was going over my astrology chart and speaking to him in riddles about my need to express myself. I asked a simple question. If I really need to express myself, How do I do it?

About a week later,  I received an email from Elephant Academy to join “Finding Your Voice.” I enrolled after meditating on it. It was precisely what I was asking for. To find my voice. To find my self-expression. I refuse to be a victim.

When asked to post in the first week. I jumped and said yes and committed… and then I froze. I’m still freezing and fighting this fear. After I post, I assume it will continue. But I will press on.

Dark Nights of the soul are not easy, at least for me. I’ve been acting on my intuition for months.

It’s painful beyond words; it will awaken one awestruck by the divine. It’s humbling, and one finds that you peel back every layer-  examining yourself most resoundingly. I have way more layers with age.

Where I am going, I need to find out. I do know I am not there yet. It’s the journey, not the destination. I need to remember that.

I may find pain in this course.

I might find liberation.

I will find something leading me further out of the dark.

I am raw, but remember that I have a warrior’s spirit.

This is where I am and my first post in Finding Your Voice on Elephant Journal – Namaste.