I never thought much about addiction growing up. I knew my mom enjoyed her wine because there was always a box of Franzia in the fridge but I never took notice to how much or how often she drank which apparently was every evening.

My mom quit drinking when I was 16. I remember coming home one evening from being with friends and I went to my mom’s room to let her know I was home. She was asleep so I gently woke her. She was startled, almost in a panic. “What time is it, what’s going on?” I told her I was just letting her know I was home safe for the night. She giggled because she thought it was time to get up and get ready for work. I didn’t think anything of it and we went to bed. The next morning, I brought it up to her in a joking manner that she was out of it when I got home last night. It must have hit her because the next day she dumped all the booze in the house and went to an AA meeting. She never picked up another drink. She was sober for over 20 years when she passed away.

I didn’t fully understand addiction. Even after I quit smoking cigarettes, which was hard as fuck, I didn’t fully understand. I just assumed I was weak. I thought how can people not control themselves? How can you not just quit? Even as I got older and my mom would talk to me about addiction and recovery it all just never clicked. Or, watching friends struggle to quit drinking, pills or heroine. I just never understood why it was so hard to stop doing something that was causing problems or harm to yourself, friends, or family. Even once I started drinking and questioning myself I still didn’t get it. I always knew I drank too much but never really tried to quit. I assumed blacking out was normal and that it happened to everyone when they drank. I even had a couple times where I was completely blitzed and called my mom to tell her I needed to go to treatment. The next morning would come and I’d tell her I was fine. I don’t need help. One of those times she convinced me to go to an AA meeting with her. I didn’t talk, I just sat and listened. To be honest I don’t really remember what was said. I’m sure I was counting the minutes for it to be over. That was my one and only AA meeting.

As I got older an started to realize that blacking out wasn’t good it still wasn’t enough to make me really look at myself. I just went through each day thinking I had control. I can quit or take a break whenever I want to. The truth is, I had zero control. I would have days where I wouldn’t drink but it wasn’t easy. I acted like it was but it was tough. The year leading up to my last drink I remember thinking often about quitting. All these doubts would flood my brain and I’d talk myself out of even trying. I didn’t have the confidence to quit. The self doubt was overwhelming an I was honestly scared to quit.

What will I be like without alcohol?

Will I still be fun?

Will my friends still like me?

How will I cope?

Now, 7 months in to being alcohol free I think I get it a little better. Addiction is hard. Whether it’s booze, drugs, pills, food, sex, gambling, shopping, etc. The list goes on. Whatever the addiction is, it’s hard and everybody’s journey is different.