December 29, 2023

This Song is Lovely, but Depression is Ugly.

When the song “Lovely” by Billie Eilish and Khalid came up on a playlist I’d tuned into recently, I felt as if these talented young people were speaking directly to my sad, old heart.

I have heard the song before (it’s not a new one, released in 2018), but I’d never really listened to it. The haunting melody captured my attention with such strong emotion in the moment that I had to stop what I was doing to sit down and learn the lyrics.

Then I began researching the meaning behind the song and found this interpretation from Lucifer on Quora:

“When I look at the lyrics … I get reminded of what [this] depression feels like. For instance, we take ‘Isn’t it lovely, all alone?’ I see that lyric as a sarcastic remark. It’s not at all lovely when you feel like you’re alone and the only one facing a specific problem.

‘Heart made of glass, my mind of stone,’ is basically saying that you’ve had your heart broken so many times that it might as well be made of glass, but your mind is made of stone because after all of those heartbreaks, you still showed willpower and determination to go on and this shows that you’re a mentally strong person.

‘Tear me to pieces skin to bone,’ symbolises how it feels when something bad happens. The pain feels as if you’re being torn apart from yourself.

‘Hello, welcome home,’ is low key the hardest hitting lyric in the entire song. It basically symbolises that moment when you thought you were getting better but then reality sets back in.

It represents that moment when you thought you’ve found happiness but then the sadness quickly sets back in and despite whatever made you feel good for that short period of time, that sadness got even stronger due to the belief that you will never again find true happiness.”

This brought me to tears because I relate to it so damn much.

Thought I found a way
Thought I found a way out (found)
But you never go away (never go away)
So I guess I gotta stay now

Tears. Because my depression came roaring back after months of feeling like I’d finally gotten it under control.

Oh, I hope some day I’ll make it out of here
Even if it takes all night or a hundred years
Need a place to hide, but I can’t find one near
Wanna feel alive, outside I can’t fight my fear

Tears. Because I’m so f*cking tired of fighting for my mental health, yet I refuse to give up on my healing.

Isn’t it lovely, all alone?
Heart made of glass, my mind of stone
Tear me to pieces, skin to bone
Hello, welcome home

Tears. Because I’m afraid I’m addicted to the comfort of my suffering and may never feel truly happy.

Walkin’ out of time
Lookin’ for a better place (lookin’ for a better place)
Something’s on my mind (mind)
Always in my head space

Tears because I’m not all alone anymore.

I’ve found a wonderful therapist who is slowly teaching me how to change my mindset about myself. She’s showing me that happiness can exist for me and that it can actually stick. I’m not there yet but it’s coming, and I’m feeling more hope than ever before.

But I know some day I’ll make it out of here
Even if it takes all night or a hundred years
Need a place to hide, but I can’t find one near
Wanna feel alive, outside I can’t fight my fear

Isn’t it lovely, all alone?
Heart made of glass, my mind of stone
Tear me to pieces, skin to bone
Hello, welcome home

Stay tuned for more writing on my healing journey in the coming months. I can’t wait to share my progress and am determined to help myself and others break the debilitating cycle of depression.

~

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