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“You’re always so happy.”

“You’re always so bubbly.”

“You’ve always got a smile on your face.”

“You’re always so positive.”

”You’re always so beautifully dressed.”

“I wish I was more like you.”

“You don’t seem like the type to get angry.”

Or even the good old “you’re too positive.”

These are all just a handful of comments I am and have constantly been told.

After yet another comment just like the above, I got this overwhelming urge to write this and my hope is that it finds it’s way to someone in need of some vulnerability and truth in a world that seems to sometimes lack such things.

Let me be vulnerable and let you in on some personal truths.

Yes, I’m that girl who can walk into a room and fill it with such a bright light of happiness it has the potential to shift even the most stubborn lingering low vibrations.

I’m also that girl who once upon a time was cut so deep by her grief and loss that she spiraled down a detrimental path of anger and self-sabotage, bleeding onto all of the people she loved and cared about the most in the process.

Yes, I’m that girl who will fill your mind with positive affirmations and make you believe that even on your darkest days there’s a beautiful tomorrow filled with light waiting for you.

I’m also that girl who has spent days locked inside her own house because on the inside of my chest was a swirling tornado of blackness I did not know how to dissipate, nor could I work up the emotional energy to even begin.

Yes, I’m that girl who no matter where she goes nine times out of ten she’s got a rocking outfit on with earrings to match.

I’m also that girl who once upon a time spent days in the same clothes lacking personal hygiene, wiping her tears away and bitter at the fact that everyone else’s worlds were still spinning despite the fact that mine hadn’t just stopped, it had utterly f*cking crumbled.

Yes, I’m that girl who will preach healthy nutrition, self-care, healthy boundaries, and healthy mind habits until people roll their eyes.

I’m also that girl who once ate her feelings, ignored her boundaries to ensure someone else felt good, ignored my own needs to meet the needs of others, and drowned in a mind filled with negative self and external beliefs.

Yes, I’m that same girl.

The one who gets angry and the one who gets sad.

The one who has good days and the one who has bad days.

The girl who once upon a time got so lost in her darkness.

But you know what? I sat with that darkness.

I sat in that sadness and accepted every single bit of it.

I’m that girl who started living by the mantra: “It’s not my fault what happens to me, but it is my responsibility how I choose to deal with it.”

“It’s crucial to understand that responsibility doesn’t equate to fault. Bad things happen, but it’s our responsibility to deal with them and move forward.” ~ Mark Manson

I’m that girl who instead of allowing the bitterness that can be found in the world and my past experiences to continue to spiral me into a deep black hole chose to let love guide me on a new path of healing, self-love, and self-discovery.

I’m that girl who despite the crippling pain her heart has endured chose to believe that there was still hope, that there was still beauty and magic to be found in the world.

I don’t share my story to host a pity party; I don’t want your sympathy. I share my story in the hopes that others can find comfort in my words, my vulnerability, and my strength.

I share my story to spread awareness that just because someone has a smile on their face and a radiating light doesn’t mean they haven’t endured a series of ferocious storms.

I share my story in the hopes that others who are struggling find hope through my words and come to learn that at the end of each storm, there’s a beautiful f*cking rainbow waiting for you.

However.

In order for that rainbow to occur there’s work to be done.

There’s no such thing as putting a smile on your face, sweeping your sh*t under a rug, and pretending like it never happened or even that it doesn’t affect you.

You will forever live a false sense of happiness, a fake happiness if you will.

In order to find a sense of peace and a greater sense of well-being, I got comfortable with being uncomfortable.

I sat with the pain, anger, and bitterness that surfaced, each and every f*cking time it did (and every time it does).

I stopped asking “Why is this happening to me?” And started asking “What is this trying to teach me?”

I threw myself into yoga, meditation, positive affirmations, and the beautiful world of self love, self-care, and healing.

I threw myself into rewiring my mind and started researching every single minute thing I could do to help regulate my nervous system. Not to avoid anger or heartache, no. I wanted to educate myself to be more resilient and educate myself on ways to flow through the emotions that as human beings we are so programmed to believe are a negative that we tend to run away from them, rather than being taught they’re a normal human response and the key is to flow not resist.

I came out the other end of one of the most testing, turbulent, and heartbreaking times I’ve ever endured so far, and although some days are and will continue to be harder than others, I will always be that girl with a heart full of hope and an insane amount of love.

“Your story is not meant to be your fortress, your story is meant to be your fuel.” ~ Lisa Nichols

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