May 28, 2024

Resilience is Underrated.

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We are on the precipice of a serious transformation.

Personally and collectively, everything is shifting.

Whether you ascribe to astrology or follow political and economic developments (or setbacks), it must be acknowledged that a massive shift is occurring at a rapid, almost breakneck pace.

Relationships are ending; jobs aren’t working out; homes and lives are being lost; world safety and security has never been so evasive. People are searching high and low for the answers to why these things are happening and how to mitigate the response to these changes. There are thousands of articles online about dealing with change and persevering through life’s difficulties. Spiritual leaders and healers of all kinds are popping up out of the woodwork and offering solutions to a myriad of problems that people are experiencing in our modern world. Some of us feel hopeless, others just confused, and still others are in a place where they can ride the wave and witness the crash from above.

I’m not here with answers. I’m here with faith. How frustrating is it when someone says “It’ll be okay, everything will work out?” Will it? How do you know? Do we have the tools to deal with this cacophony of change? Do we internally practice faith in ourselves and in the mystery of these processes? Can we recognize when we need to act and when we need to trust? Are we allowing ourselves to stress and spiral in the face of great loss, transformation, and ultimately, growth? Or can we take a moment, rest and reflect, and try again?

Personally, I’m in the midst of a sh*tstorm of inner strife, outer “failure,” and serious life circumstance ambiguity. I just moved across the country from my family and friends, I am working a job that I love but that does not pay my bills, and I’m failing to complete basic life tasks like laundry and dishes on a daily basis. I’ve bailed on more obligations this year than I have ever let myself bail on in the past. I am experiencing acute inner turmoil surrounding personal relationships, motherhood, my career, my daily habits, and my purpose on this planet.

I used to think I was meant to be a writer. Then a teacher. Then a writer and a teacher. Then I had to go back to the service industry to pay my bills and I stopped writing, I started cutting corners in my classroom, and I abandoned many principles I held near and dear to my heart in relation to the type of person and mother I thought I was and wanted to be. If you looked at my finances, my personal life, and my career at this moment, you would see clearly what I’m talking about. I barely talk to either of my parents. I’m back where I started eight years ago in the tumultuous relationship with my co-parent. I’m scraping by month to month, having to borrow money from family to pay my rent. I’m frustrated by the amount of wine and nicotine I’m consuming on a daily basis.

So here I am, and here we all are, in our own ways and in our own lives, standing on this threshold. Is this where we stay? Do we descend back into despair, hopelessness, and crappy habits that keep us stuck? Or, and hear me out here, do we pause for a moment and choose to commit to finding the path forward?

I have no clue what that path forward looks like exactly for me right now. When I open my laptop and look at job boards or research opportunities, I burn out quickly, fail to follow through, and open a bottle of wine to calm my anxious nerves. No matter how badly I want to play a game or read a book to my son, we end up ordering takeout and watching a movie. Even though I know yoga and holistic health practices are what I need, I fail to practice them on a daily basis.

I am not proud of any of this, but it’s where I’m at. When I scroll social or happen upon a current event, my heart breaks over and over again for people all over the world whose lives have been forcibly and irrevocably changed due to war, imperialism, violence, and constructed poverty. It’s overwhelming, yet I sit in a privileged place to be witnessing and observing these atrocities from afar, on a screen, relatively safe, and with options and choices.

So now what? I’m 20 years into my spiritual practice, almost 12 years into motherhood, and 36 years into life, and I still have not cracked the success or happiness codes.

I haven’t found financial success as a writer, a teacher, a server, or anything. My son is amazing, but I am not the role model I want him to have.

So, here I am, again, here we are, on whatever precipice each one of us is on at the moment. It’s incredibly individual, yet deeply shared. I will keep going. Imperfectly, stubbornly, and surely, I will keep going. I will not let my past dictate my future. I will wake up in the morning and do what I can do that day. Baby step by baby step, little by little. I will trust, I will pray, I will rest, and then I will act.

I will continue to strengthen my integrity and find peace in solitude. I will cultivate my inner fortitude and irresistible eloquence and know that there is a way forward. I’ll marvel at the moment when I can, notice the micro blessings right in front of my face, and ignore the judgments from self and others.

What will you do?


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