June 11, 2024

I’m Finally Where I Need to be…Right Here, Right Now.

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Sometimes, I wonder how I ended up right here, right now.

I’m in a place far better than I was a few short years ago, but it still doesn’t feel like enough.

Personally, I feel more than “enough” within myself than I ever have, but I have a distinct internal knowing that something is missing. But the exactness of that something is yet to be determined.

Lately, when I get a moment to myself, my scattered thoughts settle around the question of why.

Why am I on this path?

Why did my family have to fall apart?

Why do I always need to be on the move? 

Why do I only feel truly myself and at ease when I’m killing myself hiking up a mountain? 

Why can’t I find someone who finds my idiosyncrasies exciting? 

Why aren’t I enough for myself?

When my swirling head finally slows down for a second—usually at the top of some Vermont mountain where I’m spent after hiking as fast as my legs will carry me—I realize that this is one of my strengths. With my lungs heaving and legs burning, I gain clarity, if only for a moment.

At this vantage point, I feel more confident and powerful. I feel strong and limitless. I feel as if I can conquer whatever is thrown my way. I chase this feeling every day, and like to believe it molds me into a better human somehow. One who is still struggling, digging deep, and clawing her way up any rocky pass placed in her way.

I like to believe that she will find what she’s looking for someday…

Maybe she finds it each and every time she decides to take that first difficult, yet necessary step—where she’s not sure what challenges will arise along the journey, but is confident she has the wherewithal and strength to persevere.

The sun’s rays shining on her face, her hair blowing wildly in the summit’s wind, she succeeded in this small, yet perfect mission for today.

Why…can’t she do anything?


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