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Lately, I have been intrigued by the mystery and complexity of friendship.

A myriad of questions have been simmering in my awareness as I walk in nature or meet for coffee with my friends.

I wonder how others will react to me asking them about friendship in general, or our friendship, in particular. I laugh nervously as I tell them I am doing some informal research on friendship. I am relieved by their willingness to dig into this topic with me.

Here are some of the ideas I am grappling with:

What is your definition of friendship? Why is having a friend important? Is it as integral to happiness as a romantic relationship? What are the characteristics of a “good” friend? How do you find new friends? How do you manage conflict with a friend? What is it like to experience the breakup of a friendship?

I am learning that there are many definitions and ways of doing friendship. I realize that it is helpful to clarify what a certain person means when they talk about friendship. It is easy to make an assumption about their take on friendship and this can lead to unmet expectations when they show up differently than I thought they would. For example, one friend shared that she finds it challenging to book regular visits with her friends. She prefers to wait until she is ready energetically, and she will then contact the other person. This helped me to relax about our relationship if I didn’t hear from her for several weeks. At the same time, she agreed to have me check in with her, because she understands how my style of friendship varies from hers. We both know that our love for each other is the bedrock of our relationship, in spite of our differences.

Friendship doesn’t happen without specific action on my part. I have benefitted from the book, Platonic” by Marisa G. Franco, PhD. This book came into my awareness recently as I was mulling over the concepts of friendship. It is an engaging read based on research and stories about the importance of friendship. I am grateful for the synchronicity of finding this book.

Let’s explore the art and science of friendship. Here are some clues for making and keeping friends:

1. If I want to make friends, I need to initiate. As I reach out with a smile or an invitation to grab a coffee, I am showing my desire to get to know the other person. In the past, I have wondered if I might seem pushy or needy by initiating. In fact, the opposite is true. Generally, people are happy to respond and spend time with me.

2. The fear of possible rejection underlies my hesitancy to reach out with an overture of friendship. What if they say no? I am learning it is not about me. In fact, it may offer the opportunity to find out what else is going on in their lives and whether another date may suit them. I release my control over their choice about whether we become friends or not.

3. Friendship with myself comes first. I enjoy my solitude, especially as I walk in nature or sit with my journal in the early morning hours. I am not waiting for a friend to meet all my needs and bring my life meaning. When I am at ease and reach out to others with a sense of calm and confidence, they will be more willing to open up to me.

4. My mindset affects my friendships. An important question for me is, “Do I see myself as worthy of having friends?” When I answer “Yes,” I show up as an invitation to others. They will be interested in getting to know me and developing our relationship.

5. Another characteristic of a friend is a willingness to share vulnerably. The ability to be clear about what their experience is and the freedom to ask for help are key components of true friendship.

6. The willingness to face conflicts is the mark of a true friend. There can be a partnership in addressing differences or misunderstandings. A differing perspective can be an opportunity to clear the air and this often results in a deepening of the friendship. Rather than letting things fester, it helps to remember that curiosity rather than criticism is a key aspect on this journey.

7. The grief of losing a friend is often not acknowledged in our society. It can be just as painful as a romantic breakup. This is the time when it may be helpful to seek support from a therapist or coach. There is healing that is possible, even if the relationship never continues.

8. Friends show affection for each other by showing enthusiasm for each other’s good news. Celebrating each other deepens the connection that underlies a rich friendship. It is a joyful gift exchange that increases life-giving energy for everyone. Because we are social creatures, whatever we do to connect with others makes us healthy. Truly a win-win situation!

9. It may take courage to share words of affection with friends, especially if this is a new idea for you. Research shows that as I tell people I appreciate them, value them, or see good in them, this is a way to build friendship. This results in a sense of safety and trust, leading to a growing friendship.

Over the years of my life, I have often taken my friends for granted. I no longer want to do that. I want to nurture, honour, and celebrate them. I want to keep learning how to meet new friends and maintain long-term friendships.

What does friendship mean to you? What might you do differently as you consider the many aspects of this magical, mysterious thing called friendship?

Welcome to the adventure of connection, vulnerability, and love. I wish you a journey of play and pleasure!

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