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I’ve always had a complicated relationship with body positivity.

During my pregnancy with my first, my wonderful, my now two-year-old daughter, I was able to appreciate my body and all of the hard, miraculous things it was doing.

Then, after she was born, I breastfed and was put on a form of birth control that made me gain back all the weight I’d lost the first six weeks after her birth—and then some. It took me almost a year to connect my weight gain to the pill and get off of it.

Even after I did, though, the weight loss didn’t really happen until I stopped breastfeeding. I didn’t have to change much at all, as I already ate well and exercised daily, and the weight just seemed to fall off once my hormones went back to something closer to normal.

But not until after I had received hurtful comments from some relatives and gaslighting comments from my then-GYN. Or a lot of self-shame and guilt over the mixed feelings I had about postpartum and what my particular body’s journey looked like (and why it didn’t look like other mothers who’d seemingly had an easier time physically).

I know a lot of mothers have stories like mine. Our bodies go through so many changes throughout pregnancy and postpartum and we have such complicated flurries of emotions throughout one of the most wonderful, precious, chaotic, difficult times of our lives.

Now I’m pregnant with my second child. My initial impulse was to fearfully remember the body shame and hurt I’d felt after my daughter was born. Instead, I’m really pushing myself to embrace every moment of this journey.

To focus on supporting myself and doing what’ll work better for me this time around, but also to accept that I can’t predict and control everything my body will do on this journey—and that’s okay.

I think about all the mothers who have been on such difficult journeys to get pregnant, like my own mom who, if she didn’t persist with an amazing strength and determination for five years, wouldn’t have had me.

I think about how lucky I am to be able to bring life into this world. If that’s not magic, I don’t know what is!

I think about how, as a wife, mother, and friend with so much love in my heart to give to others, I deserve to give some of that love back to myself, with understanding, patience, and compassion.

This isn’t to say that as women going through so much during pregnancy and postpartum we aren’t allowed to have negative feelings about the things we’re going through. But I also think it’s important that we show up for ourselves and start learning to love ourselves unapologetically in a way that no one else will throughout this strange, wonderful, crazy journey.

So, I’m planning on ignoring all the haters. I’m planning on flaunting my baby bump and putting my hand to rest on it as much as I please. I’m planning on embracing my new curves after my baby is born and trying to model a strong, kind, patient form of self-love my daughter can see as she grows up.

I know it’s not going to be the easiest journey, but I also know it will be so worth it.

And to any other mothers out there feeling similar feelings, I’m right here with you.

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