One of the worst things you can do after a breakup is look at relationship quotes.

These are often summaries or reflections about what the “right” kind of love should look like. Or how if someone broke up with you, it’s because you deserve better.

I’m saying this as a heartbroken person, grieving a relationship that I recently parted ways from.

And I’ll also start by saying that unlike love quotes and memes, I will not give you a prescriptive summary of how you should or shouldn’t be feeling.

Relationships, much like humans, are so complex.

They have intricacies and layers that no one from the outside could ever get a proper look into. It’s why I firmly believe in the adage that no one knows what really goes on between two people.

As much as I have tried to unpack this breakup and the reasons I left, I have also come to find that no one will ever really understand why I said goodbye. He was, and still is, one of the most wonderful people I’ve ever had the privilege to welcome into my life.

From the moment we met, it seemed that all the crappy things that had transpired before with other people were being healed by our meeting. We discovered a newfound faith through loving each other, a realization that maybe we could finally get the relationship we both craved and deserved.

It moved quickly, yet I had no other desire than to keep moving forward with him—to see what was possible.

That, in and of itself, marked a huge period of growth for me. There were so many firsts that we shared, and to say it was a significant relationship would be an understatement.

So why did I leave? And better yet, why do I feel as grief-stricken as I do?

A love quote will tell you that there is no such thing as the wrong time, only the opportunity to choose someone every day. A relationship meme might tell you that you do not have to love yourself in order to let someone else in. That it is also a choice you make.

But I tried…I tried really hard to get unstuck and move forward with him, to move toward our future plans. Only, my anxiety and my constant inner dialogue of “what if” persisted.

He didn’t deserve my constant indecision and back and forth. So, I left.

I didn’t leave without care or regard for his feelings. And not a day has passed that I don’t think about him and his family. That I don’t miss him.

But from the many quotes I’ve read and podcasts I’ve listened to, apparently my role in the breakup means I’m either an avoidant-type or not worthy of this person to begin with. The thing is, I do care a lot—still. Not only about the impact on him, but also how I can grow from our breakup instead of being swallowed whole by it.

I have given myself permission to feel sad. To cry and to sit through our favourite songs, no matter how painful it’s been.

I have also decided that I don’t have to hate myself through it. And that by seeking out therapy, I can try to better understand myself and what transpired.

Because even though he would have loved me no matter what, it was clear there was a barrier within myself that I simply had to learn how to break through on my own. And while I don’t ever want to speak on his behalf, I believe we both needed to figure things out. That it wasn’t, in fact, the right time to move forward together.

I do not care for summaries of what heartbreak is and what it isn’t.

All I can speak to is how incredibly painful it is to try and disconnect from a person with whom you shared so much. I can try to reflect and express myself outwardly to others as a form of catharsis, and I know they will tell me to keep moving forward. But I also know I’m the only one who will understand why it’s hard to.

That’s why I find it difficult to read about love, or watch Reels about how “the right person should love you,” and take it as gospel.

Every person and every relationship carries its own unique learning and blueprint.

And if, like me, you’ve been struggling to understand a decision or deal properly with your own heartbreak, I just want to implore you to tune all the advice out and let it be whatever it is.

Maybe it will be something that only you can understand and process—and I think that is more than fine. The stillness and solitude of healing is often necessary.

Much like the nature of this article, I realise there is a place for reflections on love and relationships. What I hope, however, is that you do not place them in higher regard than your own experience. That you make space for your own feelings and the value they carry.

It might take time, a lot of therapy, and a lot more crying. But you ultimately get to decide how love and heartbreak can and can’t be defined.

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