One of the most common and heartbreaking patterns I see in the world and in the work I do with people is…

We keep making excuses for people who won’t—or can’t—show up for us in the way we need and deserve.

They lash out, go cold, disappear, manipulate, minimize.

And, instead of seeing exactly how our needs are not being met and the impact that has on us, we explain it away.

“He’s been through a lot.”

“She didn’t mean it like that.”

“It’s not that bad…I’ve had worse.”

“They just don’t know how to express themselves.”

We become experts at rationalizing the behavior that’s breaking our hearts.

We call it compassion.

We call it maturity.

We call it giving someone grace.

But sometimes, oftentimes, what we’re really doing is abandoning ourselves.

Why does this happen?

Because most of us were never taught how to recognize what love actually feels like in the body.

We were taught to understand others before we were ever taught to listen to ourselves.

We grew up in systems—families, cultures, religions—that praised us for being empathetic, accommodating, non-confrontational.

We learned that the “good” ones are the forgiving ones.

The loyal ones.

The ones who stay and try harder and make it work—even when it’s hurting.

Even when things are way out of balance.

So, when someone behaves badly, we go into autopilot.

We go into explanation mode.

We search for their wound.

We imagine their past.

We feel their pain and forget our own.

And somewhere in that pattern, we lose ourselves.

We stop honoring our needs, our boundaries, our bottom lines.

Not because we’re weak.

But because somewhere along the way, we learned that to be loved…we had to tolerate what was not okay.

Let me be clear:

Understanding someone’s pain is beautiful.

But using that understanding as a reason to keep receiving hurt and mistreatment is not the way.

It’s not spiritual.

It’s not mature.

And it’s not loving.

It’s self-abandonment.

And it’s costing some of us our lives.

Here’s an uncomfortable truth I hope you can hear if what I’m saying is relatable for you:

If someone isn’t ready, willing, or able to show up with honesty, care, and accountability—it’s likely time for you to move on.

At least for a time.

The beauty is…

You don’t need to make them wrong to come back to yourself.

You don’t need to make them wrong to honor yourself.

You don’t need to make them wrong to set boundaries and to speak what’s right for you.

But, perhaps most importantly, you also don’t need to make yourself a casualty of their unhealed story.

You can love someone and still say:

“This doesn’t work for me.”

“I need more than this.”

“I’m not going to keep saying yes to this.”

Because the moment you stop justifying what hurts—you start reclaiming your dignity.

This isn’t about perfection.

Everyone has flaws.

We all have moments when we fall short.

But there’s a difference between someone who occasionally misses the mark…and someone who chronically refuses to acknowledge, repair, or grow.

There’s a difference between someone who owns their impact—and someone who expects you to swallow it and stay silent.

And you…

You are not here to be anyone’s emotional punching bag or proving ground.

You are here to love and be loved in a way that feeds you.

And you don’t get there by staying loyal to patterns that drain you and degrade you.

So here’s my invitation:

Start telling the truth about what hurts.

Stop explaining away behavior that is beneath the kind of relationship you’re trying to build.

Start honoring the standard of love you’re actually craving.

You’re allowed to walk away from what isn’t working.

You’re allowed to outgrow relationships that no longer reflect your self-worth.

You’re allowed to stop making excuses for people who keep choosing not to meet you.

Because the moment you do…the moment you stop waiting for someone to finally become who you wish they could be, you make space for the ones who already are.

And that, that’s when a new life can begin.

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