In a world plagued with both increasing numbness and polarization, Aikido is a martial art that wakes us up and offers connection.

This connection is not a fluffy unity, nor is it codependent. Instead, we Aikido practitioners learn to relate from a centered place, a place of empowerment. Giving and receiving, asserting and surrendering—all become conscious and willingly chosen, guided by the question: “How can I foster the flow of love and life force?”

As a spiritual guide and energy healer, I see many people struggling with relationships. They come to me with questions about their marriages and love lives, and also about their co-workers, friends, and family matters. Further, they puzzle over how to relate with money, life decisions, or simply their own emotions or mental chatter. I help them see that they are not victims, that they have influence.

After years of finding myself drawing from Aikido principles to help my clients, I had the vision for a new book. The Dance of Love: Mastering Your Relationships through Aikido Wisdom shares key principles that anyone (martial artist or not) can understand and immediately apply.

Some key Aikido principles for relationships include:

>> Protect yourself first. Face conflict or overwhelm from a grounded stance and position.

>> Connect before attempting to influence another.

>> There are different ways to re-direct tension, which vary from letting it pass to acting quickly and assertively. Learn to do each one, and when to do it.

>> Approach life and relationships from a generous spirit. This is not about over-giving, but from the remembrance that you are infinite, that you are love.

>> If in doubt, ask, “What would love do?”

The last point above may bring up the question, “What is love?” And so I would love to share an excerpt from p. 80 of the paperback:

Love is Fierce

“This idea that love is all fluffy like a Hallmark card is a very small part of what it is. In fact, this fluff may not be real love at all.

To me, practicing Aikido means you are a warrior for love. And yet, it involves punching and throwing each other around. Paradoxical? It would be if we were actually hurting each other, but we’re not.

Love takes a stand. It won’t tolerate you being mean to me, so it shows you where to go. It won’t allow me to overcompensate, and so corrects me if I do. Love cares more about the big you than it does about the little you.

You may identify with your thoughts, feelings, and coping mechanisms—but they are not the true you. A skilled partner will quickly mirror back to you their value (or lack of value). If you do that thing that makes you feel strong, and he resists or withdraws, perhaps love has another way? If you hold back your actual strength and she wilts or butts in, consider again if you have misunderstood love.

Love may be either soft or strong. Love flows in whatever way it must. Too strong or too soft—either way you can inadvertently hurt another. Always being nice or trying not to rock the boat is not love.

Compassion will help where there’s a true need, but it won’t try to protect you from your feelings. It believes you are big enough to handle them. 

Aikido will protect your life, but it won’t protect your imbalances. Quite the opposite, it will reveal whatever in you is not aligned with love. Love insists on honor, respect, and truth. Love knows who we truly are and will settle for nothing less.”

Text copyright  @ 2025, Ann O’Brien, All Rights Reserved.

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Colorado author Ann O’Brien will speak about and sign her new book, The Dance of Love: Mastering Your Relationships through Aikido Wisdom at the Boulder Bookstore on Thursday 9/11 at 6:30 pm. Get tickets and learn more.