Ever had a vacation or break away that has been more than that?

That’s been more than sightseeing, relaxing, eating, drinking, socialising, or the usual things people do on their break away? That’s been deep moments of reflection, cleansing, introspection, challenging some old thought patterns, soul love, letting go, and a little bit of magic?

What a gift! And when a gift like that presented itself on my recent trip to Bali, I was ready.

I’ve been on quite the journey over the past eight years or so. There have been the highest of highs, the lowest of lows, and everything in between. Endings and beginnings. More endings and beginnings. Love and loss. Love through loss and loss through love. Life and death. Immense joy and despairing grief. Courage and fear. Significant pain. Incredible beauty. Too much noise and deafening silence. Three steps forward and four steps backwards. Stumbles and falls. Everything and nothing. It’s been one hell of a ride.

Six years ago, I went to Bali, two years after ending a 27-year marriage. I was in such a different place in my life, and I was such a different person. I was in love with a man who could never give himself fully to me or love me the way I deserved. I was planning a future with him, when the reality was there was never going to be any future with him. I had given so much of myself to him that I didn’t even know who I was. I thought I had curated this “perfect” life, when in truth, I was living in a fantasy. We were living in a fantasy. A bubble that I created, but he encouraged. A bubble that was going to burst in the most spectacularly painful of ways. I was in a long-term career that didn’t fulfil me. That didn’t at all align with who I wanted to be. I was floundering, and I didn’t even know it. The writing was on the wall, but I couldn’t see it, or perhaps I chose not to see it.

Six years ago, I was a mess. My life was a mess. Externally it looked fine, but internally a ball of anxiety had formed, a ball that was growing daily and infiltrating through every part of me. I was hurtling headfirst toward imploding; it was scary. What I didn’t know at the time was there would be a fork in the road and if I chose wisely it would be the start of real healing, growth, and transformation. If I chose wisely, I could choose the life I wanted. And if I didn’t, I would get the privilege of repeating patterns and cycles that would leave me forever stuck.

I chose wisely.

When I reflect on 2019 me, I know the essence of who I am still remains, but the wounds and voids I was oblivious to back then have been deeply worked on and will always be worked on, as we humans are always a work in progress. Always evolving. The validation I searched for, without knowing I was searching, is no longer needed. The mediocrity I accepted, I no longer accept. The boundaries made from threads are now firm and unwavering. The behaviours I tolerated are now intolerable. That man I was in love with is gone and whilst I’ll hold a small piece of him in my heart, I realise his wounds were bigger than mine and, long-term, the damage caused could have potentially broken me. My messy attracted his messy and his messy nearly ate me alive, but there were some incredible magic moments in there and they gave me something I’d long since forgotten. So I acknowledge the relationship for what it was, and that was a reminder of passion, a reminder that I’m a woman with so much to offer and a catalyst for change.

When I boarded the plane a couple of weeks ago, I reflected on my 2019 trip to Bali. A couple of moments to honour how far I have come. 2025 me runs her own business, is growing and diversifying that business, pursuing more study, whilst also working in crisis support. My work is purposeful, meaningful, and brings me a great deal of fulfilment. 2025 me reignited her passion for writing. 2025 me chooses what’s next and the direction life is to flow in. 2025 me feels connected, empowered, and confident. 2025 me works hard on being the best version of myself.

Watching that same sunset six years apart brought me full circle. I looked at the 2019 sunset through naive eyes. Confused eyes. I watched that 2019 sunset with what I thought was hope but now realise was fear and a desire to desperately hang on. I had already lost so much, and deep down I knew I was about to lose more. That 2025 sunset hit differently. I watched it with contentment. With knowing. With a wisdom I had finally reached. I watched this 2025 sunset acknowledging the losses, the grief, the pain, the changes, the love, the joy, the gifts, and I honoured myself and how far I’d come. Same sunset, different me.

This trip was a cleansing of the soul. An appreciation for the past, regardless of how painful and messy it was. For without it, I would not be where and who I am today. The joy of being so present in this very moment. And the excitement for the future, knowing I am creating it.

Bali is my go-to destination for a quick break, given it’s not too long a flight. It’s a place I’ve been visiting for over 35 years. There’s a familiarity to it. A comfort and warmth that always envelopes me. There are memories I’ve made there over the years. I’ve been many times and I always enjoy the experience. This time I experienced something new and that was the dreaded Bali belly. Horrible yes, but interestingly, I took this as the final sign, a purge, a physical purge of all the remnants left over from those past six years. Emotionally clear, now physically clear and spiritually clear.

Sometimes you’re given what you need rather than what you want. You experience something unexpected, or something arises, that you thought was long gone. Bali 2025 did that. The 2025 sunset did that. I remember exactly where I watched the 2019 sunset from and exactly how I felt at that time, and when the 2025 sun began to set, I allowed myself a moment of grace for the lost woman I was six years ago. No regrets. No resentment. No bitterness. Just grace. Because we all deserve a little grace.

Reflect. Cleanse. Let go.

Sometimes we don’t realise there are still some things buried within. Sometimes we need to say a final goodbye to the person we used to be. Let them float out with the setting sun. Bali 2025 did that for me.

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