*Author’s note: While this article is written from my perspective as a woman, the truths beneath it are universal.

I kept watching her from behind my dark, tinted sunglasses.

I’m really not the type of person to stare, but that day, I just couldn’t.

I couldn’t help but see the old version of myself standing right there in her place, and all I wanted to do was to walk over, wrap my arms around her, and gently nudge her awake.

She was sitting all by herself at a separate table, waiting for her guy who had just switched tables to go hang out with his friends.

I know both of them, and I know there is something brewing—something early in its stages.

She was trying her best to act normal. She looked here and there, flipped her hair, took sips of water, and kept checking her phone every now and then. But watching her from the outside, her nervous system screamed louder than any words ever could.

For a woman who’s been there, I could read the millions of thoughts and emotions traveling through her entire being. She felt neglected, unwelcome, and entirely unseen. She waited for him for over an hour, frozen in place right in front of him. Meanwhile, he was enjoying his time with his friends.

Staring at her, I started replaying my own past. I remembered sitting there while my date went about his day normally, leaving me waiting for him to finally notice me. I wanted so badly to walk over, take her by the hand, and tell her to do anything else—go get a tan. Grab a coffee. Call a friend. Head back home. Just anything to pull her out of that painful, uncertain situation.

Having been there more times than I care to admit, I felt this profound sense of empathy toward her. I still remember trying to force a connection before it was even real. I would physically and emotionally glue myself to my date, treating him like someone who was always trying to escape.

Ironically, staying in that uncertain, painful territory somehow felt safer to me than walking away. I was terrified that if I walked away, focused on my own life, or dared to let go of control for even a second, I would lose a potential relationship forever.

We will do almost anything to see ourselves in a happy, long-term bond. We want what others have, so we compromise our own dignity, self-worth, and boundaries just to force and rush relationship milestones.

In psychology, that clinginess is what we call an anxious attachment style. It’s an insecure way of bonding that starts in our childhood and follows us right into adulthood. Those of us who navigate anxious attachment are often deeply afraid of being alone, crave constant reassurance, and become hyper-focused on our partner’s every move.

That was exactly me until I finally discovered my attachment style. I learned to cultivate my own inner security instead of desperately chasing it from the outside—especially from a partner. If I were her today, I’d be gone from that table in exactly five minutes. I know now how early-stage clinging might sabotage a blossoming connection.

Maybe they were doomed from the start, but what if a shift in her behavior could have changed the entire narrative?

If you are stuck in the same situation, I want to remind you to:

1. Work on your childhood wounds. Your past trauma is quietly driving every single relationship in your life, and you might not even realize it. Facing it is terrifying, I know, but it is also the most liberating thing you will ever do. Therapy isn’t a luxury or a sign of weakness; it is a tool we all desperately need.

2. People always reveal exactly who they are. But so often, we willingly choose to look the other way. Right now, you might just be projecting your own hopes, ideas, and fantasies onto a new relationship. That projection might be blinding you. Be brave enough to actually see, believe, and accept the reality of who they are showing themselves to be.

And that, my dear, means looking past the good sex, the beautiful dates, and the sweet text messages. The situations that truly reveal a person’s character—and exactly what you mean to them in the early stages of dating—are hidden in those quiet, small moments.

Those moments are the ones that speak louder than sweet text messages.

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