7 Ways to Stop Believing We’re Damaged Goods and Love Ourselves More

I used be depressed, anxious and codependent. I visualized myself as a UPS box at Christmas that had gotten lost and traveled the world for a month before finally arriving, tattered and torn.

I believed I was damaged goods.

On the outside, I looked just fine. I was attractive, had a boyfriend and a full time job. No one knew I hated myself—I was suffering in silence.

But I got tired of suffering.

I became a licensed therapist, and that training helped me realize that with my negative self-talk, I must truly hate myself. I once heard Dr. Phil say to a guest on Oprah that she just needed to learn how to love herself. I held my breath and waited for him to reveal the magical answer, but instead he moved on.

I spent the next 20 years searching for a way to develop self-love, and as part of that journey, I created a therapeutic model called The Adult Chair.

By using the Adult Chair model, my self-talk changed. I discovered the parts of me that were feeding me this negative self-talk and I got to know them, soothed them and let them know they weren’t alone. I began to develop compassion for these hidden parts of myself, which led to understanding and finally, self-love. What a new feeling! My anxiety and depression ebbed away, and the codependency that had ruled my life was now in the backseat.

So what exactly did I do to cultivate this self-love? Below are 8 simple habits that I used on my journey to self-love.

Be gentle and kind with ourselves. So often, we’re brutal with ourselves. How many of us have made a small mistake, and we instantly jump all over ourselves? We live in the unconscious mind where negative thoughts just trickle in like they’re on an assembly line. And we let them! Start filtering out those negative thoughts by becoming aware of how often we’re unkind to ourselves. Make the intention to become more gentle with ourselves.

Manage our triggers. Our buttons get pushed by people at work, by our kids or partners, or by reading the news. If we want to heal, we have to start looking at what’s causing us to get triggered. We need to look at the unconscious beliefs deep within us that were formed when we were between the ages of 0-6. When we’re triggered, these old, unconscious beliefs emerge, and we typically shove them down or get mad at the people who trigger us. Instead, we need to reexamine these beliefs, take responsibility for our own lives and stop blaming other people.

Sort for the good. We’re really skillful at beating up on ourselves. To counter this habit, we need to start noticing our positive traits and accomplishments. Did you make your kids lunch today? Did you help someone out today? Did you take an action towards a goal? If so, congratulate yourself!

Learn to observe our thoughts. With about 90,000 thoughts going through our heads each day, it’s crucial that we learn how to observe them instead of chasing them or believing them, and meditation is one of the most effective ways to do so. Even if it’s just for five minutes, this practice creates a space between our thoughts and our reactions.

Notice who you’re surrounding yourself with. Often, we say we want to change our lives, but we keep hanging around negative, critical, judgmental, gossipy people. Start noticing when you meet someone with positive energy, and arrange for a coffee date or a walk. See what it feels like to spend time with more positive people.

Learn to connect with your inner child. Getting to know our inner child is key to loving ourselves. The inner child is the part of us that houses our emotions, needs, passion, fun and creativity. It’s also the part where so many of our internal beliefs about our unworthiness come from. So to heal and develop self-love, we need to connect with that part of us. Try journaling, having a verbal conversation with our inner child, or simply ask,  “How am I feeling right now?”

Gratitude. As I mentioned earlier, our minds sort for what’s wrong. These thoughts have an evolutionary purpose—they help us survive.  When we start incorporating gratitude, it starts to change the neuro-pathways in our brains. Start by simply coming up with a handful of things you’re grateful for, like the sun came up today, or for the food on your plate. Find a time during the day  to incorporate gratitude, and just simmer in that energy of gratitude.

These simple tools are key to helping us develop self-love. After practicing these habits over the years, that inner voice that told me I was damaged goods has changed, and my baseline now is one of self-love and compassion. Yours can be, too.

Michelle Chalfant’s work is based on her Adult Chair model. To learn more about how the Adult Chair model can help you create a more authentic, loving and intentional life, visit her website: www.theadultchair.com

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