A helpful practice for limiting self-beliefs

Recently, I held an all day silent retreat in downtown Vancouver, BC; my first time leading a silent retreat and to add to the mix, I chose to lead this one without a co-teacher.

There we were on a Saturday afternoon in a downtown studio, with floor to ceiling windows exposing Mother Nature’s gift of sunshine, and quickly the room began to fill with young humans. I was humbled by each participants’ choice to spend their day focusing on self-care. Little did the participants know, their pure presence filled me with equal parts of love and fear. Was I going to be able to lead a group by myself for 8 hours (without any participant feedback)? Was I prepared enough? Was I going to meet expectations? Was I good enough?

Woah- even just writing that question gives me chills.

Traditionally, during retreat the teacher will share a story or a personal experience related to one of the core principles (attitudinal foundations) in mindfulness based stress reduction. During my copious prepping hours, I hummed and hawed about what I was going to share. My teacher challenged me to be vulnerable and share the ‘enough’ rumbling; a topic we have spoken about a few times during our mentoring sessions as I shared reflections about my own practice and internal dialogue while teaching. So, I sat with it and sat with it and sat with it. Finally, it unfolded into what I like to call, letting go and the softening effect of opposites.

Like I mentioned, I was filled with both love and fear. On the surface they are clear opposites. One making me feel expansive and the other contracted. Is it possible to feel both emotions at the same time? I’d like to think so. If I take a moment to lift my head and look at the world for a insight, I may notice turbulent moments filled with saddening events like the Las Vegas shooting. However, at exact same time thousands of babies being born into the world, taking their first breath. Opposites, there they are. The light and the dark. The fear and the love.

Bringing it back to my rumbling– am I enough? Let’s start here. I am thankful I have the capability to feel the deep depths of paralyzingly fear that this question innately provides, but it also means there is an opposite, I am enough! When I start to notice my body becoming overwhelmed with one thought, a rumble, I know I have the choice to take a breath and listen for the opposite. Offering me perspective and contrast. Holding both perspectives in my palms, as if they were juggling balls. It really is a fine balancing act as one can lead me straight to tears and a tub of Ben and Jerry’s (with one spoon) and the other can make me become an egomaniac. Oh dear.

So, what’s my practice? 
The two sided coin- when I practice mindfulness (formal and informal) I naturally strengthen my level of self awareness, noticing when my compass sways to one side or the other; I am definitely enough to I am not enough. From this place I imagine myself as a juggler in whatever experience I am engaging with. My juggling balls are the varying degrees of emotion. As each ball passes, I may pause to see if the experience I am having and the emotion is okay for me- doing a self check in. If it ever starts to get too much, I toss the ball up and hold something a little lighter. Seeing if I can pause and be with that. All of the balls of emotions still present in my circle of awareness, but showing myself compassion by consciously choosing to hold something a little lighter if I need to. I might even choose to go back to the heavier ball at some point, but I consciously choose what feels right by trying to find that delicate balance. We all can raise our hand and admit that sometimes we get nervous and begin to operate from a place of fear. Our once rational brain that knows we are enough goes offline. It takes work, but we can get back to the helpful self-construct of, ‘I am enough.’

A couple of questions to ponder when the rumbling starts to creep in:
What would the opposite be of the rumbling in your mind?
Imagine the rumbling and the opposite in your two hands, which one feels heavier in this moment?
What might holding opposites offer you? Are you able to let go of one of the rumblings and step into a new possibility?

The silent retreat offered me the space to witness my thoughts and self-beliefs. Although this day retreat was for the students, it has been supportive in my own practice to take a step back and notice my own noticings. How might I acknowledge my limiting belief when it starts to pop in without resistance? By practicing the holding of opposites I have learned to stay with the thought for just long enough to witness the body sensations, feelings and behaviours that also accompany this belief. This can be helpful when becoming aware of my triggers. It sounds a lot like, “Oh, there is that thought again, I can feel my heart race and my palms start to shake.” With this practice, I can then choose to step into a more compassionate thought, show myself a bit of love and support.

How might you bring this practice into your personal practice?

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