A Recovering Perfectionist

Nigerian poet Chinonye J. Chidolue once wrote, “perfection is a faux. It’s a mask carved by our own poor esteem to hide who we really are and make others see what really isn’t us.”

Growing up, I felt a profound urgency to be “perfect.” Now I knew on some level that nothing was perfect, and yet I felt if I could just be perfect, then my parents would always love me. You see as an Adoptee, my biggest fear in life was being myself. I thought that I couldn’t possibly be good enough and so I linked up this need to strive for perfection with feeling safe and loved. I became strongly committed to this relationship. I thought that as long as I excelled in my accomplishments, got good grades, worked hard and was an overachiever, that it would silent the voice within that kept telling me “you’re not good enough. You’re not loveable.” I began to value myself on my external accomplishments rather then who I was on the inside. I remember countless times growing up feeling like I was suffocating, screaming at my parents “I’m not your perfect little girl!” And yet I was terrified. I was terrified that if I wasn’t perfect, that if I didn’t disguise my inner most being, that no one would like me and I would be all alone. I became a chameleon, ruled by my perfectionism, constantly looking outside myself for feedback on how I should act, how I should be, perpetually comparing myself to others and yet I remembered always feeling intensely unsatisfied. It kept me playing small, scared of showing up, questioning my abilities, and not trusting my intuition. Often times I would find myself in constant judgment, doubting myself and I would go over and over things in my head. I couldn’t possibly be good enough, could I? Just me?! That’s the thing with perfectionism, it prevents us from being authentic and real, tricking us that somehow our essence, our core, isn’t good enough, and that there is something inherently wrong with us, but that is the colossal lie we tell ourselves. We forget along the way that our essence, our core is love and that we are truly never alone.

Over the course of the last year, I have been on a pilgrimage of remembering.  Remembering the truth of who I am. Recovering from my agonizing relationship with perfectionism. And most importantly creating a relationship with myself. I discovered that it’s not what I do, or accomplish, it’s who I am that I love. My heart, my kindness, my courage, my resilience, my light. I remember now. I am love.

My commitment for 2018 is to continue to live at my edge, to do something each month that challenges me to step outside my comfort zone, to unveil myself, to be vulnerable, to be imperfect, to be messy, to take off my mask. To be me.

“Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside awakes.” – Carl Jung

Comments