Can Technology F**k Up Your Marriage?

Can Technology F**k Up Your Marriage?

The sound of your loved one laughing is a great sound to hear. It can lift your heart. Make your day. But when your love sends you a message, “LOL,” it just doesn’t have the same effect. Sometimes technology is not a good substitute for face-to-face talks when you can hear tonal inflection, read body language and see the sparkle in your loved-one’s eye.

There are so many wonderful ways to communicate—Twitter, YouTube, Instagram, Facebook and many more—that it can be easier to send a message than walk into the next room and have a chat. And while we are, in some ways, more connected than ever, the technology that facilitates that connectedness comes with a cost.

Here’s how technology can wreak havoc with your marriage:

Substituting electronic media for confrontation. It’s just plain easier to type a message in the safety of your room than to muster the courage for an in-person heart-to-heart. Especially if you’re feeling emotional, you might be more comfortable sending a message electronically. But precisely because you do feel emotional, it’s important to covey that as a part of your message. An email void of emotion might seem unnecessarily harsh and cold. It doesn’t convey the feelings behind your words. As a result, your partner can easily misunderstand how you really feel.

Further, it’s easy to type the wrong word or phrase that can be misunderstood without your knowing it. Couples have been torn asunder as a result of miscommunications, and the acrimony that results can last for years.

Avoiding communications by not answering. Or by not answering in a timely way. You’ve probably received emails requesting some action from you that you’d rather not do. Or emails that you don’t know how to answer. Or emails that require you to do some research before you can respond. So you don’t respond at all. If your partner had asked you the same thing in person, you’d have to say something, even if it was just “I don’t know,” or “I’ll have to think about it.” But instead, an unanswered email makes the sender think you don’t care.

Worse, other forms of communication, like instant messaging or texts, really demand an almost immediate response. But they also provide a coward’s way out. If you don’t want to talk (write) about something, you can simply not respond. After a few unanswered messages, you seem to disappear. It’s a passive way to withdraw from a relationship, but it’s hurtful to your partner. When you disengage by ghosting, it leaves your partner feeling bereft and even betrayed.

Allowing technology to distract you from your partner. Time together is precious enough without having one or both of you jump to respond to your cell phone. Research indicates that as many as one in four cell phone users think their partner is too distracted by his cell phone. Think about it. If you’ve taken the time to be with your partner in person, and she spends that time communicating with others, you’re likely to feel you’re not as important as those others. Because her actions speak louder than words.

Disagreements about the excessive use of cell phones and anxiety and guilt about it cause extra tension in relationships. Even when neither of you is using your cell, you can become anxious about not using it, especially if you are a heavy user. And if you are a heavy user, you are also more susceptible to depression. Studies show significantly increased chances of depression among people who spend the most time using social media.

So take the time to think about how you use technology. You and your partner should establish guidelines for its use in each other’s presence. Then learn to enjoy yourselves as a couple, real-time, face-to-face.

Nancy Travers is an Orange County Counseling professional. If you need safe, effective counseling services, please get in touch. You can reach her here: Marriage and Family Counseling In Newport Beach

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