Fear…the other F-Word!

Fear…the other F-word!

~CherylLynn~

“I’d never before acknowledged the role of fear in my life, that many of my behaviors were unwittingly governed by fear.”

~Russell Brand~

I’m going to start off this piece by letting you know that I am, in fact, an addict; an addict in active recovery with fifteen months clean and sober…yay, me, right? Let me just say that I am very proud of myself and my progress, however, “fear”, which is my topic of the day, jeopardizes my recovery every single day.  Let me explain to you why this individual “F-word” endangers each one of us maybe even without being aware or cognitive of it being the driving force behind some of our most negative attributes, personality flaws, inconsistencies, shortcomings…whatever you’d like to call them.

I hadn’t really given much thought to some of my “core fears” until I attended my dual diagnosis (diagnosis of mental illness and addiction) intensive outpatient therapy group today. This may sound out of the ordinary for other people that have completed or are attending a recovery or therapeutic program; that’s what you do right? Go over your issues, your “fears”, what led you to self-medicate? To be honest, I kind of shocked the shit out of myself today with my revelation about one of my most severe and impending “fears”; “Abandonment”. Ideally being in treatment for sixteen months now (Yes, you’re reading correctly…in treatment for sixteen months, clean for fifteen months. I was still actively using when I first started my recovery program) and being a product of three decades of intensive psychotherapy, you’d think I’d have given this essential and detrimental (so it may seem) topic much more tender and respectful attention. I’m here to tell you that I failed to do so but this doesn’t make me a failure; recognizing this agonizing “core fear” and verbalizing it shows that I’m making progress. Besides, there’s no time limit to revelation in this game we call “life”. You see, “fear”, has driven some of my most negative, risky and unacceptable behaviors including my addiction. I take accountability for all of them. The one thing in my recovery I have yet to master is some of the images, memories and traumas that have happened in my life provoking me to “often” seek the solace in something and/or someone that is toxic to me. Again, I come back to my “fear” of “Abandonment”. I know what event in my life led to this “fear”; my father’s suicide at the age of eight. For those who really know me and the story of my past they would understandably know why I have this particular “core fear”. However, my past now seems to be dictating my future. Now, this becomes a problem. When a “fear” is dominating our futures and we become prisoners of our past…we need to step into action! The “fear” of “abandonment” has led me to seek certain people, places and things that always ultimately leave me feeling (you guessed it) ABANDONED! Now, you may be thinking “you” are afraid of “abandonment” so why do you involve yourself with people, places and things that leave you feeling just that way? My answer; If I already know what causes these feelings I don’t get my hopes up that the outcome will be any differently. My expectation is already set…I know the final outcome…this is a dangerous comfort zone to be in.

I know that I have this undeniable “fear” but pursue it with people, especially, that I know are broken, emotionally unavailable…why? My answer is simply this…I’m familiar with broken. I’m familiar with “abandonment”. I’m familiar with all those uncomfortable and unfavorable feelings I know will accompany this. So, I intentionally and unintentionally (if that makes sense) seek these situations out in hopes that one person, place or thing will prove me wrong. That I’m special enough to inspire someone to get better and not abandon me. This is my first vital mistake!  One that I can no longer make. I repeatedly do this because I already know the outcome and that comforts me in a sick and twisted way (sound familiar?).

I’ve now noticed that this behavior pattern is what has led me down so many dead ends in my life. We tend to let “fear” of the unknown drive us towards our paths and choices in life. I honestly don’t know what it’d be like to approach someone that I wholeheartedly knew without a doubt wouldn’t abandon me because I’ve NEVER sought that out. This is a “fear” that continues to haunt and delay my progress but like I said I hadn’t given it much thought until today (and, so, the light bulb finally goes off).

We try to avoid what we fear but subconsciously are driven to behaviors we are comfortable with. I fear stability, wholeness and loyalty because that is not what I was accustomed to. I know broken, pain, loss, etc. so identify with “those” so much better but to what end? For the same continued outcome? Something needs to change. No, let me rephrase that…Something MUST change! But, this change must take place in me. It might take me out of my “comfort zone(s)” but maybe the reward would be so much more satisfying than what I’m accustomed, programmed or feel I’m entitled to. Because, after all, we ultimately set up our own boundaries as to what is acceptable and unacceptable. In my case, I felt I deserved (for whatever reason) a lover, a friend or relative that only half-way loved me…this way when they left…I already prepared myself for the undeniable loss and pain of their “abandonment”. I realize it’s time for me to reflect and work with this “core fear” solely. I’m at a point in my recovery and self-discovery that is screaming at me to step outside of all that I know and affiliate myself with, be comfortable and see who, what and where stands on the other side without wavering, without hesitation…without conflict. There’s the magic word…CONFLICT! I, without hesitation, always, ALWAYS manage to find relationships where the other person is conflicted. Again, why? Because, that’s what I know. This is what I’m comfortable with because it’s what I’ve convinced myself I deserve. Meanwhile, my inner soul is shouting, “You deserve better”, “You’re still so full of love and life to give” but that doesn’t change the fact that I’m damaged…I’m broken… so maybe that’s all I deserve in retrospect.

So, what now right? I’ve identified this very crucial, vital and evident “core fear” and now realize that I basically “mind-fuck” myself to believe I deserve no better, but how do I change my behavior? The only answer that I can give you and the only insight I can guide you with is to continue a therapeutic journey of self-love, self-worth and self-esteem building. Go to therapy one-on-one or attend therapeutic groups, programs and events and/or both. Educate yourself on how to accept and process traumatic events in your life. I know my father’s tragic suicide was not my fault. Did it impact my life and life choices…YES! Have I used it as an excuse to continue with unfavorable behaviors…ABSOLUTELY, YES! Have I aloud “fear” to edict and prescribe a life for me that I feel is unfavorable, less than perfect and troublesome…YES! If you are reading this and agreeing with all that I’m saying, do you think you are possibly allowing “fear” to call the shots? Identify what your “core fears” are. Write them down if you must. What “fears” do you have that are prohibiting you from progressing on your own fulfilling journey and reason for being? What behaviors do you exhibit that may cause you inner turmoil, pain, heartache, etc.

Everyone has a different and unique story as to what makes them who they ultimately are as a person, as a friend, as a child, as a lover; our pasts have molded us and our belief systems. Maybe you have a “fear” of falling in love again because you’ve been irrevocably hurt and broken by a prior lover. Come on, we all know and/or have experienced this kind of unforgettable heartbreak. I use this as an example because we can all relate on some level. But, what does that mean if we swear off all future lovers because of the inconsistency or disappointment of a prior lover? We are limiting ourselves before even allowing ourselves to ever get a shot at true happiness. Sure, love hurts like hell when it comes to an end but what if…just, what if, that person was meant to be a stepping stone or lesson for the next great chapter to your life? You’ll never know unless you allow yourself to step out of your “comfort zone”, the tiny bubble of survival, the walls we inevitably build to shield people from the insurmountable pain we endure each day. Because, that is, in fact, what we are doing…trying to protect people from our own “fear” …our own damage. A heart that feels pain is a heart that can feel the love, right? We need to get to a point where we embrace the pain because in the end…it let’s us know that we’re alive!

I wish that I had all the answers to set you on the right path or even an alternate destination. I am sorry to say that I don’t and I’m learning as I go. If we allow “fear” to sustain us, we will never know anything but what is a result of that “fear” we ingest. The best way to judge whether you are allowing “fear” to dictate your future is if you continually find yourself in the same situations with the same exact outcomes. Again, my light bulb went off just today even after decades of psychotherapy. I realized that my life, though it is getting better and I’m improving each day…seems stagnant in some areas. These are the areas I need to fiercely dissect, manipulate and erode out of my “comfort zone(s)”.

All that I encourage you to do, is take a step back, analyze the “fears” you may have and dissever what “fears” are holding you back in your life. Write them down. Identify why you have this “fear” and begin to process it. Lastly, learn how to step outside of that “fear” to proceed productively in your future.

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