He left me after all those years and smiled while I crumbled

18 years of my life I saw him nearly every day. I looked after him, did stuff for him, sometimes made decisions for him, but in the last few years that didn’t work anymore. I could feel the distance. Often I didn’t get his world, his routines became very different to mine and I saw less and less of him. He just focussed on his life, and I stood on the sideline. But I didn’t mind. That is how things go. That’s how life goes.

And now he is gone.

He went off to uni in a different country, to study International Business.

My first egg (that’s how I call my eldest DS – darling son) left home forever and I am delighted for him, proud of the way he went and excited about our new stage in life.

I am also sad as I will miss him and just a week after he had left, I was hit by that feeling. I cried, I felt subdued and physically exhausted for a few days. That was the heart talking.

The head says he got a great opportunity to spread his wings, to get to learn another part of the world, standing on his own feet and being capable of doing it.

But right now, the challenge of change got hold of me and what goes with it: fear for the not knowing, letting go and having no control and a strong sense of bereavement.

How to deal with this type of loss?

Acknowledge your emotions, before the event is there. Cry a bit from time to time, talk about it, with your child, partner, other ‘eggs’. Be with it at any time it is there. It is not about being ‘strong’, it is about being authentic
After he/she has gone, allow emotional moments. The best way to get through it is to engage with it. But…..take control of when and for how long. Set aside each day, say 20 minutes, to really dwell into the feelings: cry, write, feel sorry for yourself, indulge and then step away from it. Only to repeat it the next day, if that is what feels right for you
Step back from the process and look at your child. Most likely you actually see an adult, who is quite capable already and will grow into their independence. That is what you wanted, that is what you get. Feel grateful for it and proud of yourself for having done such a great job
He/she is leaving home, not leaving you. The relationship will change and has all the potential to be even stronger than it is now
You have been a mum/dad since birth in this way. Your ‘job’ involved looking after them and that job is finished. What doors are opening up now for you? It is a challenge and the question might come up ‘Why am I here?’ This offers a wonderful opportunity for self-development, professional development and taking on new projects.

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About the author:

Dr Mariette Jansen is a qualified and experienced psychotherapist, life coach, meditation teacher and NLP and EFT practitioner, writer, and award winning blogger. Her focus is on helping people since 2001 to overcome anxiety, build confidence, and discover their life purpose. Visit her website.

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