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His Whispers Felt Like Daggers.

11 Heart it! Angela Peladeau 232
November 13, 2018
Angela Peladeau
11 Heart it! 232

“You are so sexy”.

With ever growing confusion I would wonder, how is it after 28 years with this wonderful man I cannot yet receive these whispers of adoration?

It was as we sat chatting across the world from one another me embracing a steaming morning coffee half dressed, he half asleep undressed and as we’d say our goodbyes his whisper would be “you are so sexy”.

Sitting in the wee morning hours, candles and incense offering sacred space my body began to sob. A longing to receive his words, a desire to fully embrace that knowing and yet a heaviness that would not allow for any of it.

In between the sobs lived a truth, a truth that only after all of these years was ready to be felt, acknowledged, experience and released. A truth that would come from a young girl who’s first sexual experience came from a place of searching for love, for belonging, for worthiness.

A truth that would not come from that experience itself, but rather from the experience of being shamed and wronged for it, for being humiliated by those who’s responsibility it was to protect her. After all in their eyes, this would be the lesson she needed to learn.

That young girl would move from sexual relationship to sexual relationship in search of that same need for love, for belonging, for worthiness, for acceptance, for enoughness. 

Unknowingly to her, shame would become her lover. A shame which carefully curated unhealthy sexual relationships. A shame which perpetuated more of the same in search of what would never be found within those experiences. Love. Belonging. Worthiness. Acceptance. Enoughness.

A shame which was carried forward holding her hostage, not allowing her to experience the beauty of this sacred experience, not allowing her to feel worthy of his words, not allowing her to let down the barriers to her heart for the deepest fear of being humiliated yet again.

His early morning whispers would stir my soul, awakening me to the reality of these past 28 years with a deep embodied experience of this is, what it is to be loved, to belong, to be worthy, to be accepted, to be enough.

The same whispers that would leave me weeping would produce the very tears which would wash away the shame of the past which in fact was never my own but was rather that of those who imposed it upon that young girl.

“You are so sexy” words of adoration, of appreciation, of love. 

A whispering of words that have brought about a recognition and a remembrance of who she truly is. It was not the words that were used but the mirror which they offered allowing her to gaze deeper into it’s reflection and to uncover what she had been diligently avoiding all of these years.

A mirror that allowed for the release of old beliefs and old wounds. A reflection that offered a safe space to heal the past through the words of the present.

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11 Heart it! Angela Peladeau 232
11 Heart it! 232

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princesspowder Nov 13, 2018 6:47pm

These words really speak to me on a deep level. I, like many women, have carried my shame for way
too long without realizing how it impacts our current, amazing relationships. I invision the sweetest reunion ❤️

    Angela Peladeau Nov 14, 2018 12:17am

    I am grateful that they resonate with you. The sweetest reunion ❤️ I hold that vision with you. Thank you for your kind words.

    xo

angie.brazeau Nov 14, 2018 11:04am

These words, your words resonate very deeply within me. I have also very diligently been avoiding this very thing with my own partner. Thank you.

    Angela Peladeau Nov 16, 2018 2:38am

    Oh Angie ❤️, I feel you. Sending you love and compassion for what will become.

Amy Simpson Nov 16, 2018 9:12am

Oh my goodness this is such a glimpse of what will become of your future writings. You aren’t so talented to evoke feeling from your creative words.

I stand ready and am
starved for beautiful writing such as yours!

Thank you for sharing this wonderful gift!

    Amy Simpson Nov 16, 2018 9:15am

    TYPO- it was supposed to say you ARE SO TALENTED,

    Amy Simpson Nov 16, 2018 9:16am

    TYPO- it was supposed to say you ARE SO TALENTED, my apologies

      Angela Peladeau Nov 19, 2018 6:26pm

      Amy thank you for you beautiful kind words. I have held off and back for many many years and to open up to sharing in this way feels wonderful. xox

helenleeder1 Nov 24, 2018 4:27pm

Oh my goodness i can see myself inside these words. The mirror, thats what I’m going to spend time reflecting on in the days ahead. Thank you.

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