How Addiction Deepened My Yoga Practice.

Since getting sober, there have been moments where I feel that I am having out-of-body experiences. It feels as if I am looking down on myself from the ceiling of the room with little control over my own body. Most recently this happened during a fully packed class.

I was in a supported pigeon pose during a restorative yoga class, and there were tears streaming down my face that was pressed deeply into my yoga mat. Our yoga instructor was pacing in the middle of the room and had just finished saying the words “you have everything you need” in regards to what we need for our yoga practice. I am taking this much more deeply, just like that asana.

Yoga studios have always been my warm blanket. They were  where I was drawn on the days that I felt a little down, for the days I wanted to practice self-care and, now, where I go when I feel like having a drink.

I have struggled with an obsession with alcohol since I was in my early teens. My story is the same as many other alcoholics. When I had one, I always wanted more and would do unthinkable things to make sure that happened. This continued into my early 30s, when I realized that my hierarchy of needs was being skewed due to my addiction to alcohol. Everything came second to my desire to drink.

All throughout my life I have been hyper-self-aware — of my physical and mental health, of how my words and actions affect others, and of how others perceive me. Alcohol helped to numb those thoughts and allowed me to enter a world free of pain and deeper emotions. It was my escape from being self-critical and the pressures to be successful.

My drinking went from heavy use to abuse after relocating to a rural area and the overwhelming sense of loneliness that occurred as a result of it. Retreating to my new local yoga studio allowed me to be in the company of others without having to commit to social engagement as I regained my feeling of self-worth. The collective breathing and the chanting of “om” together helped me to gain a sense of belonging that I so desperately needed during that time. Surrounding myself with people that have a similar positive intention to treat their bodies well by showing up to class that day promoted my own personal wellness intentions.

Alcohol withdrawal can feel like working through the death of a previous version of myself — it is painful and an event that is not soon forgotten. During my first class after swearing off alcohol, I was shaking so badly when doing our opening breathing exercises that I felt as if my whole body was vibrating. I had a terrible time finding stillness in poses, and my balance was non-existent. However, this did not deter me from returning each day. Within each class I was finding a new strength, a new stillness, and a new calming effect — the kind that I had previously only found when drinking.

During one yoga practice our instructor offered us mantras. We repeated to ourselves positive affirmations like “I am a mountain, I am stable and strong” while standing in tadasana or “I am a bird, I am open and free” while practicing chest opening poses. Every repetition reaffirmed that my body and mind provides all the tools that I need to be stable in my sobriety.

I found myself repeating those mantras to myself when I was both on and off my mat. I was enabled to breathe deeper when I would see a raven in flight on the horizon. I took it as the universe offering a gentle reminder that to choose to be open and free were my decision to make. Through my yoga practice I was empowered to come back into my own body and practice self-love.

I am prone to anxiety, and when I feel it start to rear its ugly head, the urge to drink starts to creep its way into my thoughts. Returning to my mat to slow my breathing and turn inwards calms those thoughts that addiction wants to overwhelm me with. I return to the present moment and urge myself into letting go of thoughts of the future that may be causing me anxiety. I go deeper into my postures to regain my commitment to self and my intention of healing my mind and body.

By letting go my addiction, I encourage myself to practice gentleness and forgiveness with my mind and body. I attempt to not force myself to go into a strenuous, powerful yoga practice if my body is telling me that it wants to move slowly and relax. Instead of staying in bed when the days seem to difficult to bear, I crawl to my mat and simply sit and reflect on why I might be feeling that way. I use that time to learn more about my thought processes and what makes my mind wander.

Rather than forcing poses to look the way I had seen them in Yoga Journal, I listen to what my body wants or needs. As I am released from the grip of addiction and disease, I slide deeper into my intention to heal and nurture my body. My brain is less foggy, and with that it becomes more still, now able to tame the monkey mind that so often plagues me.

As an addict, I didn’t have control over my own mind, nor did I want to. Yoga is teaching me how to regain my power over where I allow my brain to go and to control my own thoughts once again. I spent years suppressing thoughts and emotions that were uncomfortable or challenging to work through with alcohol. Now, I welcome them in my yoga practice. They enable me to breathe deeper, to channel my inner light, and to let them flow in and out. I now choose which thoughts to entertain, while allowing others to vanish with my exhalation.

I know now that alcohol will only offer a temporary and painful relief from the woes of life. Practicing yoga offers lessons and relief that will last a lifetime. Becoming more spiritually fit has given me the power to withstand the pulls associated with addiction and given me a healthy outlet to work through life’s struggles. I just work it one day at a time, and I keep coming back to my mat with the intention to stay sober.

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