How My Marriage Breakup Led to a Spiritual Breakthrough…Three Years On.

As someone who has been on a spiritual path of my own creation for over 20 years, I’m a big believer that every problem we encounter in life holds within it the opportunity to evolve to a better version of ourselves.

So when my marriage went from bad to worse in 2014, not only did I turn within for answers, I also searched high and low on the internet, hoping to find some comforting wisdom to soothe my overwhelming feelings of failure and loss. Alas, there was little to be found!

Despite no shortage of relationship and divorce advice, I found nothing that related directly to where I was, personally and spiritually, and the specific struggles I was going through because of it.

I remember at that time hearing about Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin’s ‘Conscious Uncoupling’ and, while the rest of the world appeared to be mocking them (Gwyneth particularly), I was incredibly envious. Gwyneth and Chris were parting with love, respect and integrity. Their shared priority was their children’s happiness.

“Why can’t I be like Gwyneth?” I secretly thought. Sadly though, my own pending separation had brought out the worst in me and my soon-to-be-former partner, and I was terrified of the damage it could do to our son.

Thankfully, it’s never too late to be like Gwyneth.

Three years after my drama-filled breakup, and on a quest not only to help myself, but also to help others with their unresolved heart pain, I was fortunate to come across the work of Marriage and Family therapist, Katherine Woodward Thomas, the creator of the actual five-step Conscious Uncoupling process.

Following my intuition, I joined her coaches training course, during which I had my very own Conscious Uncoupling under the guidance of one of my peer coaches. It was a soul-searching, deeply emotional, and incredibly liberating experience. And the best part was, I did it without any involvement from my former partner.

Contrary to what most people assume, the vast majority of those who sign up to consciously uncouple do it on their own. Because, in the end, our feelings, beliefs and interpretations are unique to us, and the lessons we need to learn are ours alone.

So what does it really mean to consciously uncouple?

It’s not necessarily about remaining friends with your former partner (although that is quite often the outcome). Indeed, sometimes staying in contact with them is not possible or even appropriate, especially in cases of abuse. And to be very clear, Conscious Uncoupling is certainly not about hiding or squashing down anger, grief or resentment just to present a positive facade.

On the contrary, it’s about owning uncomfortable feelings, and going deep into our inner wounds to uncover the reasons behind our defensiveness, triggers and need to blame. It’s about clawing our way out of those places where we’ve been stuck in victimization, and breaking free from all the ways we’ve been limiting ourselves due to false unconscious beliefs.

Ultimately, it’s about taking responsibility for our choices.

Instead of looking back on a breakup with bitterness, or worse, closing our hearts to future happiness in love, the process of Consciously Uncoupling gently shifts our perspective to a much wider, more compassionate view of ourselves and others.

While at first, I had tried to ‘graduate’ from where I was to where I wanted to be simply by reading Katherine Woodward Thomas’ book, it was only when I went through the five-step process again with the support of a coach, that I was able to access the hidden truths inside of me that would finally set me free.

Having a coach to witness me, and hold me accountable to myself, created the sacred space that was required to dig right down and remove the splinter from my soul.

The result was the transformation I’d long been hoping for, yet never would have expected. It happened during our fifth coaching session when, completely out of the blue, we uncovered a belief that had been directing my relationship choices and sabotaging my true happiness for many years.

I discovered that I had been unconsciously choosing men as a way of trying to gain ‘safety’ for myself. My pattern had been to jump in too quickly, convincing myself there was something deeper than there was, rather than making sure there was a strong connection – emotionally, intellectually and spiritually. Somewhere along the line, I’d even begun to equate ‘possessiveness’ and ‘control’ with ‘security’ and ‘love’.

A breakup is an opportunity for a breakthrough.

My Conscious Uncoupling not only shed light on previously hidden patterns, it shifted things energetically, helping me to break free from destructive habitual behaviours once and for all.

It’s no coincidence that my relationship with my former husband has improved significantly since then. After some very strained and frustrating years of co-parenting, we are finally collaborating effectively on matters relating to our son.

As I discovered, if someone is having trouble getting over a divorce or separation, still feeling guilt, rage or sadness about how things ended, or just finding it hard to move forward, it does not mean that they’re weak or flawed, or that they’re ‘not being spiritual enough’ (which were my own crazy thoughts when I compared myself to Gwyneth!)  It just means they’re human, and they’re exactly where they’re meant to me. In fact, it means there’s great potential for more self-discovery and the opportunity to take a giant evolutionary leap.

For me, being liberated from fears and insecurities that had plagued me my whole life, is the closest I may ever come to spiritual enlightenment. And I have a heart-shattering divorce to thank for that.

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