How the Fear of Mortality Fueled My Gratitude.

To say 2018 has been a doozy would be an understatement. This year for me has consisted of the following struggles; a flu ridden husband on our first wedding anniversary, extensive and unforeseen medical bills, an uninvited visit from a childhood trauma, unsettling career transitions, interrupted marital bliss, devastating family illness and even death.

Now pair these things with the soundtrack of ongoing political controversy, consistent heart wrenching stories of sexual assault, and endless negative news cycles blasting from every direction.

Years prior I would bid a farewell and be filled with hope of the following year being better and more joyous. Sadly, that’s not the case this time. I had the realization yesterday that from this point forward the likelihood of those around me falling ill or dying is going to increase every year from here on out. I realized the reality of planning trips should be made with caution as I’ll need to allocate time and money to tend to these tragic matters. It occurred to me the years I’m facing will be marked as anniversaries for tragic milestones.

Sure, I’ve always known death is a part of life, but to visit the certainty of it all was distressing. The mortality of my parents became real and I suddenly had no choice but to travel down that rabbit hole of thoughts.

I thought about how much I would miss receiving my dad’s off the wall text messages he sends to brighten my day. Or how my mom never hesitates to breath reassurance into me by saying “you got this, Lacey”. I started to realize just how little time I’ve been able to spend with my mother and father in-law.

And then something glorious happened.

I recognized mortality and the limitations of time are the reasons why I cherish these moments. If I knew I had forever to spend with my parents, or my spouse, or my friends, I wouldn’t get butterflies when I see them. I wouldn’t cry when I have to say goodbye. I may not appreciate the uniqueness of their quirks and the sound of their laughs.

Time seems to be slipping through my fingers quicker than ever before, but this newfound understanding only fuels my desire to be grateful and present. To truly see the beauty in an experience, magnificent or minimal.

So, although 2018 has felt tarnished and sometimes unreal, I’m choosing not to enter 2019 with the hope of a more joyous turn of events. Rather, I’m welcoming 2019 with a grateful heart and a present mind, no matter the circumstances I may face.  

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